Categories
2024 – Winter

Winter

Author : Federica Mazzella

What it was in that

Winter Night

froze in time

and I keep —

cherishing it,

holding it tight to

my Chest

as the ice dissolves

and the only

thing left of it is

the memory

and cold blood

stinging.

Categories
2024 – Winter

No Return Flight

Author: N.R.

It was a warm autumn day as I made my way through the bustling streets. Humming a slow tune, I saunter towards my next stop. 

How long has it been since we last came here together, hand in hand? The laughter we once shared, echoes in my ear as I push the door open. The strong yet welcoming scent of ground coffee beans fills my nostrils. I find myself gravitating towards a well-lit display of carefully curated delights. 

The owner greets me from his place behind the counter.

“It’s good to see you again! Did life get busy?” he asks. 

“Yes. Things just have a way of building up in such a short time. Had to take some time off.” I offer as an answer. 

As we continued to make small talk, I could not help but feel a twinge of sadness. It wasn’t long ago that we were here sharing desserts and sipping on drinks.  Now here I am. Alone. 

I make my order and head for an empty table. I watch as people trickle into the café, laughing amongst themselves. At a nearby table, friends are passionately talking about the places they plan to visit. As their chatter continues, my mind starts to drift, as it often does these days. 

Floating through clouds, I find myself remembering our last few discussions. Unlike before, your eyes now held the look of someone who had given up. No longer were we sharing the same goal of reaching destinations we once gushed about.

Refusing to let the delays fill my heart with despair, I strapped myself in, determined to fight for both our dreams. I would have done anything to keep hope afloat. If your air mask malfunctioned, I would have given you mine without a thought. I wanted to be the one to bring you to safety.

We made it through several turbulences before our final plane made a sudden drop in altitude, forcing me to come to terms with my worst fear. The denial was spilling through the cracks of my foundation. 

It took our last transit for me to understand that nothing could keep you from making the wrong turn. You kept adding luggage that could not be repacked and continuously refused assistance from help counters along the way. 

I had lost sight of my own plans and itinerary. Standing at that terminal, I made up my mind. 

It was time for me to put myself first and book a flight of my own. Like any other passenger, I deserved a trip where my choices were not restricted or forced to compromise. 

It took several errors and frozen screens, but I made it to my new boarding gate. 

There was no looking back. No last calls to make. 

Suddenly, my ears feel a popping sensation as I hear my name being called. I stand up and make my way to the front. The owner, having wrapped everything nicely, gave me my to-go bag. 

“Don’t wait too long to come back! Why don’t you bring that friend of yours with you next time!” a courteous smile on his face. 

“I will! Have a nice day!” I replied. A few seconds later, I was on my way. I pondered over my plans for the afternoon. 

With no surprise, I reorganized my thoughts back to a few minutes ago. Will there be a time when we visit the café together, like before? How soon could that be? 

Probably not right away. It’s too late to take a return flight to your side. For now, there are no more connections to make, given that the borders are to remain on lockdown.

Perhaps it was for the best that we ended up at different terminals. 

It leaves the possibility of finding a different way, back to each other. After all, we all started off as strangers.

Nothing is stopping us from creating a new and improved flight connection together. Till then…

                                                          –     Ready for Take Off      –

Categories
2024 – Winter

This soup has a doggy taste!

Author: Erika Castrillón Morales

[Content warning: animal sacrifice]

Every April, we climbed the mango tree. It was on the terrace of the house I grew up in. Green-yellowed leaves decorated its arms, but the mangoes were always late, or they never arrived. We climbed and played in its branches, hoping not to fall. I used to slide my little fingers through the crackered bark to peel the cortex. If you were lucky enough, you could make tiny balls with the tree’s resin to play with. All the kids in the neighborhood loved that tree. Every one of us had a story to tell about it. 

***

In August 1976, Antonia Villalba moved to Barranquilla, a bustling and noisy city like all the ones in the north of Colombia. She was a tall, pale, rounded woman, strong, and bulky. She came from Bogotá, the capital, or ‘la nevera,’[1]as we called it in the Coast for its cold weather. Too cold for people accustomed to more than 34 degrees Celsius in a tropical country.  Antonia had also lived and worked in the countryside of Santander, for many years. Well accustomed to the hard work, the woman knew how to ride a horse, how to raise a family, and specially, how to cook with gifted hands. After my grandfather died, my thirteen-years-old mom took control of the house. To have an income that could ease the hunger, she began renting out some rooms in the family’s household. Antonia moved in with her three kids and her parents. Her husband, a truck driver, had died in a traffic accident. She decided to move to Barranquilla, where an estranged cousin had settled in the city and also married a truck driver.

Antonia always loved to earn her own money; she juggled between jobs to take care of her family. Having set up a small convenience store in our house, she started selling roasted food.  Antonia bought the goods at the market. Early in the morning, she got on crowded buses, filled with people from various backgrounds: employees, foreigners coming from nearby areas and small villages, domestic workers, salespeople, merchants, and another informal workforce.  Successful businesspeople, public servants and doctors never took the bus, they took taxis or drove their own fancy vehicles. The market was a conglomerate of people coming from all over town. You could find city halls and offices next to hospitals and food stands, decorated with long queues of people waiting to enter any of those buildings. Street sellers offered bracelets and rosaries in the middle of copious fragrances. The odor of smoked fish appealed to those craving a hearty breakfast after running errands for a while. If you were looking for something lighter, you could try a buñuelo with hot coffee. The city was, and still is, a living being in which all citizens acted like organs making the body function. At 9 am, Antonia was back home with big bags of fresh vegetables and groceries to sell. José, her eldest son, had already started serving customers. 

Weekends were special as she set up plastic tables and chairs on the terrace for people to come and eat. The tables were nicely dressed up with floral pattern coverings and embroidered ends. On Fridays, she came from the market with a goat kid. During the afternoon, you could hear the poor animal howling when Antonia killed it. She then made pepitoria[2] to sell or some roasted goat on Saturdays. She also came with roosters. She plucked the chickens and seasoned them with a red paste made with bell peppers, onions, achiote and salt. She then put the chicken on grills and sold them with salty potatoes. Of all the food she made to sell, she always gave some to my mom. Sometimes Antonia gave even more than what she owed her in rent. In the end, it was a transaction based on solidarity. 

On Sundays, Antonia made a humongous soup pot, a sancocho. She knew her cousin spent Sundays with her husband’s colleagues and their families. Antonia invited them to come around and buy her some soup. They accepted the invitation and were all delighted with the food and friendly time. It then became a tradition to have lunch at our house on Sundays to enjoy the roasted chicken, goat or soup, or any other exquisite dish that Antonia made, thinking about her old Santander. Those dishes included in every stir or cut the traces of nostalgia. 

Antonia’s youngest son was a little boy called Juanito, five years old, and there wasn’t any difference between him and a Tasmanian devil. He looked just like his mom, and he was born just before his father’s passing. He ran around the house, playing in the dirt and driving everyone crazy. That boy was pure chaos, but sometimes, he was lonely. His mother was busy making some money, so she could not watch him all day. His siblings had school or were helping Antonia. The boy’s loneliness and sadness grew more and more evident. Antonia felt guilty about her son, so she came one afternoon with a puppy to keep Juanito company. They called it Zeón. Juanito and the dog were very alike, messy, and dirty. With its tender eyes, the creature captured everyone’s smiles and caresses. 

One Sunday, it was the birthday of one of the truck drivers. Antonia woke up early, as she anticipated many people that day. She had promised them to make the best sancocho one had ever tasted. An array of potatoes, sweet, and green plantains, calabaza, yam and cassava.  Gallina criolla and carne salada, a meal which ‘industrial’ could never define.Word about the famous soup spread all over near neighborhoods. At 7 AM, Antonia had already cut all the vegetables for the soup. The meat had been soaking in spices overnight. José started piling firewood in the backyard. Antonia carried the pot and put it in the fire. The smell of the smoke flew around the houses. People passed by in their Sunday best and said hello to Antonia on their way to the Mass. 

That day Juanito was more restless than usual. As a tornado, he ran with the dog from here to there in the house while Antonia kept asking him to stay still. Giving up, she told him to go out and play with the neighbor’s son. Juanito took the dog with him.

José was sitting next to the pot to make sure it wasn’t going to burn. When the soup was ready, José put a lid on it and went to help his mother with another task. It had already been a while when Juanito and the dog came back. They started running and playing around the soup pot. Suddenly, a clattering noise and a pitiful bark resound in the backyard. José heard Juanito’s laugher, and he knew something was wrong. He went running to see what happened. Shocked, José cried for help “¡Mamá, mamá, Juanito tiró el perro en la sopa![3] Luckily, the soup was no longer boiling. Antonia, shaking nervously, hurried up to take the dog out of the soup while menacing Juanito with a beating. Juanito, seeing that his mom was not joking, ran as fast as a runaway puppy. With his short arms and legs, he climbed the mango tree. He then waited at the top, looking at the bottom where Antonia held a heavy belt. We also had stories concerning our mothers’ belt.

Antonia yelled “¡te me bajas inmediatamente de ahí, culicagado!”[4] She was furious. Her pale face turned red with anger. At the corner of the street, the trucks’ honks were loud. People arrived on foot and some others getting out of taxis and private cars. It was too late to start cooking another soup pot. And how could you explain such a mischief? Antonia gave Juanito a last look. “¡Te bajas, o te bajo, y ya verás!”[5] The boy got out of the tree. His mother grabbed him by the ears and ordered Teresa, the middle sister, to clean and dress him up. José took the dog and gave it a bath. 

People came into the house and warmly greeted Antonia. Everyone took a seat. Teresa started serving the delicious-looking soup. Plates were passed from hand to hand, with lemon slices and rice. Pepitorias, arepas and some aguapanela were served. They were laughing and making jokes. Through the radios, some Vallenato and Cumbia were heard. Someone took a bottle of aguardiente and made a grimace at its bitter tasteIt was a festive and happy Sunday in the Colombian coast. After quick belt strokes, Juanito continued to happily play with the dog. But away from the soup. The guests kept coming for more soup and more rice. What an amazing cook Antonia was! Everyone who attended the party that day kept talking about it for months; years passed, and everyone remembered Sundays at Antonia’s. But no one dared to say: ¡Esta sopa sabe a perro![6] 


[1] Spanish word for fridge. 

[2] Colombian dish typical of the Santander Department made from the goat’s entrails, blood, and hard-boiled eggs. 

[3] “Mom, mom, Junito threw the dog into the soup.” 

[4] “Get down, culicagado” (Colombian slang word for a little kid, usually a mischievous one). 

[5] “Get down or you will see.”

[6] This soup has a doggy taste.

Comments by the jury:

“I think it was a lovely rendering of a funny anecdote through adult eyes; it’s very self-aware and socially-driven”

“I appreciated the details of the food, how she made it and what she used in the recipes. … I was thankful that the dog survived its encounter with the soup!”

Categories
2024 – Winter

“Shall Statues Overturn?”

Author: Anonymous

I have been thinking of museums of the mind and of the art in my head. 

When I looked this morning at those pristine buildings with marble statues, I was faced back with a sort of blankness. As if every colour on a palette had been mixed and created a white of the purest kind, where one would have expected brown to appear. 

The statues were in a row. Two pairs of two, flanking the sides of the front facade. They acted as columns, supporting the weight of the entire roof upon their shoulders. What dignity, what pride, what strength… what made them bear it all so easily? Was it their doubling, the fact that they could see themselves physically in someone else? 

Would I be surer of myself, if I had such a presence to affirm my own existence? 

But, then what… obsessed with my own image, a Narcissus of some sort? No, becoming a flower was decidedly not the aim, though it would not be the most disagreeable fate of all. 

And oh, to be a tree… like statues, immobile. But they spoke if you knew how to listen. I used to talk to a tree in my schoolyard as a child, and she talked back. I cried all the tears in my body when they cut her down.

They would not cut down these statues, I thought. Monuments were built to last. Not like little children’s dreams.

Below those statue columns, I saw a mother and her son on the left and a man holding a sword on the right. As stoic as stone, he was every virtue personified.

And the mother?

She was smiling, seeming happy. “’ Seeming’, Madam? Nay, it is”

Was she happier than the statues of the Virgin Mary? In her quiet, unknown love, not one of public property – not placed in cathedrals and sung to, nor on little altars in Italian houses. Standing on a tall facade, looked at, but rarely talked to. 

Who would talk to statues anyway… they’re all dead. 

But shall they overturn, shall they rise? I would like to hear them speak, of faraway lands and of languages long extinguished. Would they even be bound by our time? 

Just like Adam and Eve were born of clay, we could become statues when we die. Not in the way the so-called “great men” do. Not in a cold, dead way. We could be of cracked stone, and smile to the wind, and let the birds sit on our shoulders. We could then whisper to the people passing by words of wisdom, and give them a little luck, for their lovelorn lives. 

Yes, I have been thinking of where museums begin and where they end, and I now think I know. I shall whisper it in your ear, somewhere, sometime, soon. 

Images: ©️ Anonymous author
Images: ©️ Anonymous author

Images: © Anonymous author

Categories
2024 – Winter

Parasouls

Author: Nathalie Hayes

“This has to be one of my absolute favourite places,” She sighed.
“You always say that!” He replied. Dismissal was his favourite type of response; attack, his favourite type of defence. All in all, he was difficult to converse with. But she consciously let it slide off of her, as she took in the bathers immersing themselves in the dark, sparkly emerald water. She anticipated the cool, liquid touch on her skin, the absolution of emersion.

The sun was high in the sky and you had to squint against the reflections on the lake, that magnificent body of water surrounded by mountain peaks, ludicrous in its beauty, and the glare of the yellow parasols, with their warmed canvas smell.

The ice tinkled in her cocktail. She had wanted a drink before the swim. He was taking a break from alcohol. Buoyed by a little buzz, she smiled at him to make their way towards the hot concrete steps upon which lay the sunbathers, post-swimmers, readers, towards the metal access ladder. One woman was holding court to a bored couple about the trials of having holidayed with her sister’s children. Her nasal, whiny drone ploughed forward, pulled along by how hilarious she was finding herself. On and on about the tedious detail of her banal existence. She tried to catch his eye, but he was mouthing some sort of stream of consciousness that he couldn’t divulge should she ask him what he was thinking. She nudged him, tried to point with her eyes, an attempt at a shared joke, but he just replied with a loud “What?”, and she let it drop, along with her black summer dress.

If only humans could be as enduring as nature. The mountains and the lake remained unblemished and generous, as they always have and always would be. Quite the contrast to the inevitable decay of the body, the waning of relationships, so fickle. The water understood acceptance as she lowered herself in, quick gasp, before delivering herself to the pleasure of being held, lifted, loved unconditionally.

Comments by the jury:

“I also enjoyed the implicit descriptions. We see and feel the black summer dress without needing to be told what it looked like.”

“Very Sally Rooney-esque in the phrasing and atmosphere. … I thought the unconditional love of the lake was a lovely subject.”

Categories
2024 – Winter

Phantom

Author: Chloé Leresche

[Content warning: blood and gore depictions, physical injuries, death/death of child]

She tries to cry out, but it is swallowed by the wet and harsh fabric. Her movements too, restrained by the drapes, drowning her in her panicked heat and cold sweat. She has to go find him. She must. He was right there, going into the woods. She fights, her frustrated and desperate groans increasing as she suffocates in the darkness that envelops her, crushes her. She must catch him before he goes. She must save him. He’s so small, the forest is going to eat him. 

The breath leaves her lungs as she meets the ground. For a moment, all is quiet, and only the heavy dark exists above her. There is nothing, and he is not here. Only then does she feel the cold lurking, sliding on her skin as would the embrace of a dead man, biting in her flesh under her sweat. Her son is not here. The gasping breath she takes feels like void filing her lungs, like toxic mist, making its painful way through her insides, to her rotten liver. 

The floor under her is hard, flat, steady. You are not outside. You are not with him. You are just lying there, a miserable, pitiful childless mother. Slowly, she raises her arm, and, as if it was waiting for her to calm down, the drape swipes gently to the ground. Now free, she puts her hand on her stomach. She does not wince under the cold contact of those lifeless fingers; she does not tremble as the cold kisses her all. She lies there for a while, staring at a cold dark that does not look back at her. 

Like a phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she leaves. 

She is awakened by the sun, this time. She sees it through her closed eyelids, feels it warming up hair. Then the sounds come to her, the birds’ distant but beautiful songs and the gentle touch of the leaves dancing in unison. She can smell the moss before even opening her eyes. There is a bit of morning dew on her dress and shoulders, small droplets. Some ants are walking down her bony arm, and there are other insects on her, tickling her, already claiming her body. 

A shadow passes by, behind some bushes, not far. It is quiet and light, innocent. It stops for an instant, and the small head of a young doe appears, framed by the vibrant green leaves. Its curious eyes judge her, body ready to jump and run away, but not too fearful, almost playful, even. For a moment, all is quiet, and only exist the fawn, herself, and the rays of light filtering through the tall trees above. Is this what the medieval poets envisioned, speaking of virgins and unicorns in clearings? The fawn spooks and runs. 

Like a phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she follows. She sees him from afar; frail silhouette standing before the cliff. The wind will catch him, it will grab his young limbs and throw him to his death. She calls him, yells, cries out, but the wind grabs her words, laughs at it and brushes it away. She runs, but the wind pushes back, not even bothered by her, not anything. He does not hear her, and she can only watch as the wind takes her son’s hand gently and whispers to him: “Fly.”. 

She opens her eyes in a gasp that is not quite hers. Completely still. For a moment, all is quiet, and only exists the blue of the sky above and the mocking laughter of the wind. 

She feels her crushed bones, her bleeding organs, her ribcage intertwined with her son’s, his bones puncturing her lungs. She found him, she’s happy. The wind got them, it’s happy. 

A phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she disappears. 

Categories
2024 – Winter

Hopelessness or What’s the point

Author: Hopeful

I have always wanted children.

Ever since I can remember,

That has been my biggest dream.

Today. I feel utterly hopeless.

With World War III on our doorstep.

Climate change no one cares about.

A new form of dictator in the US.

I wanted to say he was an H***** 2.0

But my dad said I couldn’t compare the two.

And I think he’s right.

It is different.

But maybe also because it is less obvious today.

Deportation, and words, and walls are not like gas.

Though a wall was in Germany too.

I feel like so many people don’t care that much.

“It’s just four years,” they’ll say

Well, is it?

I was talking to my boyfriend earlier.

“What’s the point?” was our conclusion.

What’s the point of being careful and humane.

Why not take the plane and eat meat and take baths all the time

What’s the point about what we’re doing.

We want to give the world a better future.

We want to teach our children.

God, we just want to live.

But what’s the point?

When so many people vote for separation.

For climate oblivion

For women’s death.

What’s the point?

And honestly, I wanted to cheer my boyfriend up.

And I was struggling.

It all seems so bleak.

Do I really want to bring children to such a fucked-up world?

What is the point except making them suffer?

Kamala Harris wrote that only in the darkest of times

Can you see the stars in the sky.

And though I want to believe her.

I see the sky and I only see fog.

What is the point?

It is so much easier to be a careless human.

I don’t want to

I still have dreams.

I still want children.

But how selfish is that?

So, I ask you.

I ask the world.

The people out there who think like me.

What is the point?

Because I feel alone. I think the world feels alone too.

Left out.

We need now more than ever to find the point of all this.

And not to give up.

Categories
2024 – Winter

Sonnet of the Huntress

Author: Amélie My-Linh Dauban

If another tells me, what a woman should be
Sure my mind I will lose – and I have no excuse,
As it would be no use – for that no one would choose
A savage soul like me, untamed and wild and free.


I the hunter he the prey, I’m a storm a fox,
I, who’d rather be loved, not just for my body
But my soul ; I, who’d rather be strong than pretty,
An anomaly, really, quite unorthodox.


Yet I have caught feelings for you, and that flame flashes
Before my eyes. Fearful anguish overwhelms me
This love is like a dagger in my heart, truly
I’ll let it consume me, shall I become ashes.


But first, take my heart and soul and trust, have it all
It’s all yours. Will you be the one to bring my fall?

Categories
2024 – Winter

The Elevator

Author: Inkless

There’s the old sailor always at the port,
looking at the horizon, her only comfort.

That kid who recently found love in sewing,
his sister’s gift almost ready, he’s smiling.

The man who’s working as a gravedigger.
Seven years now, right? Yet still as eager.

Then there’s that woman. A banker,
deep in fraud, so she gets drunker.

And the toddler, just told a lie, his first.
He doesn’t realize he’s his happiest.

So there’s these five people in motion,
that can never meet, that’s the mission.

Or the world will end.

Do you understand?

Different lives, locations, that’s the key.
We’ve managed this far, sometimes barely.
You must always remember,
Your role is to be the intruder.

You’ve always done well,
but you often dwell,
on them and how they live.
You’re curious, and naive.

You watched the now old sailor,
once thriving in the seas, singing.
You watched the kid, now a brother,
frustrated with his family changing.
You watched the newlywed gravedigger
Look for someone that wasn’t just a fling.
You watched the crooked banker,
trying to be good, yet slowly losing.
You watched the three-year-old toddler,
crying over his mother’s parenting.

I know you’ve grown attached,
while I remain detached.
My role is to guide you, be the reminder.
Day and night I’ve told you: no blunder.

Or the world will vanish.

Everything, gone in a swish,
I know it isn’t your wish.
So these people you cherish,

Why are they in the same building?

It’s a joke right? You’re kidding!
How is it possible?
This is just terrible!!

The banker, the gravedigger and the brother,
waiting in front of the elevator,
which is coming, you traitor…
Inside, the old sailor, the toddler and his mother.

4

In only a few seconds the doors will open.
You can still save this! Please, please listen!

3

Make the elevator, stop, fall, destroy it!!
I don’t understand, you have no limit!!

2

So why aren’t you doing anything?!
I beg you! Why aren’t you LISTENING??

1

NO NO NO!!! STO-

0

Comments by the jury:

“In a good way, I was left wanting to know what would happen when, these people who could never meet, met at the ground floor.”

“It stays very mysterious and blurry, a bit unclear, but that’s part of what makes it great. Overall, a great piece that makes you think about serendipity, or the opposite?”

Categories
2024 – Winter

Literature, Swiss-American différance & Jacques Derrida: An Interview with Boris Vejdovsky

Authors: Nicole Hlavova, Sophie Buhler and Giulia Massy

… this interview took place following our class with Boris on Derrida and deconstruction so we hope you enjoy all of the Derridean references! …

Nicole: Hello! Thank you for agreeing to do the interview!

Boris: Thank you.

N: So to start off, could you tell us a little bit about yourself, where you’re from and how long you’ve been at the University of Lausanne?

B: Oh my god, a long time, a long time. I’m originally from a country that no longer exists, Czechoslovakia. Like you.

N: Yes.

B: I was born in Prague so my mother tongue is Czech and then I lived in a number of countries including Tunisia, North Africa, France, and Switzerland most of my life, but I spent a good amount of time in the U.S. especially for my graduate studies at the University of California at Irvine, where I, at the time, already met Agnieszka. We were both students there at the time, and she too then came to Switzerland, and we became colleagues and that sort of thing. So yeah, I’ve been for more than 20 years now at the University of Lausanne, but at the same time, I feel that I’ve always been from many different places. And so what appears to be a rather stable and fixed position, is really more multifaceted than it seems. I teach in English at a francophone university, with a central European background, so all these things produce a mixture.

N: So since being at the University of Lausanne is there anything that stands out in comparison to other places you’ve studied or worked?

B: Well most of my teaching I’ve done in Switzerland, a few gigs in France, a gig or two in the U.S., but most of the time it was in Switzerland. Not only at Lausanne, but also at other Swiss universities. Not exactly all of them, but near all of them, I suppose, Geneva, Neuchâtel, Bern, Fribourg.  So, I never taught in Zurich or the Ticino part, but in a number of places and it had to do with part time jobs that I held because academy, not just in Switzerland but in Switzerland in particular, it is rather an adventurous career, not always, but, you often go from one precarious job to another precarious job until you land a serious position. Not always, but very often it’s like that.

Sophie: You said you were a student at a Californian University. How do you find that is compared to being at university? Well, I mean you’re teaching here…

B: Right, right, right. Absolutely. Let’s see, in the U.S. system when you go to the university, you really go to the university in that you live on campus, you really sever the umbilical cord to family and place and friends. So it’s really this very formative episode in people’s lives. Having spent much time in Europe, to me, it was not cutting the umbilical cord, but certainly a very different experience living with people who all of a sudden were living independently. I’d had that feeling before, but it was their first immersion in that sort of life. So that’s one aspect. The other thing is that I went to grad school at UCI and my fellow students there had a very clear idea of where they wanted to go. Academia in the U.S., at least way back then, was much more professional than in Switzerland. It was thought of as a profession. Whereas given my generation and where I grew up, the university was not primarily a profession. It was primarily a place of higher education, of learning, of passing on that learning from one master to their students, you know, I mean, in a predominantly male ambience at the time, it was also the initiation by a master. If it so happened that you became a professional, well, you sort of became a professional, you know, I mean, par la force des choses, as they say, if you hung in there for long enough to, as it were, to become part of the system. Whereas there was an intentionality in the Anglo-American system that at the time wasn’t so present here. It’s changed. I think it’s part of the ethos here too, now. But thirty years back it wasn’t the case. Thirty years back, my fellow students there had a very clear idea of what they wanted to do. I mean their advisors were not only intellectuals and academic advisors, they were also professional advisors. So typically you would write the Ph.D. under the supervision of someone who would say, “you need a chapter on Conrad here because in the next five years there’s going to be openings in this or that field and they’ll need someone who has something on Conrad.” So there was strategic thinking which has since then made its way, its inroads, here, though not as much as in the U.S. at the time. That was certainly the main difference to me is if you studied something, it had to have a purpose for doing so.

S: Well, that’s quite nice and reassuring, I guess, in a way to study something for a purpose.

B: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

S: Is there anything you prefer about the U.S. in comparison to Switzerland or vice versa?

B: I like the mobility of the U.S. I like the flexibility of the system, much as I dislike part of this intentionality. I also admire the career-oriented education you get. It’s by no means easy to make it in the U.S. but because of the flexibility, because of the professional impetus, dedication, hard work, and of course luck and that sort of thing, it makes it possible for people to move around. So I do like that. What I like about Switzerland is exactly the contrary thereof. I like the, if you will, old style of what’s remained, what remains of it, the humanities. That is, the possibility of studying things in a much more open way. Well, like with the class on Derrida we’re doing, right? We’re in an English Department that enables us to do that without sticking to disciplinary and or period classes. I’m an Americanist, I love to teach Melville and Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath, but I’m happy that I am not confined to having to do that year in, year out. So I like that. The other thing I like about Europe is the politics. Yeah. Wink, wink. But not just in recent years. I think that, to say it very simply, there’s a way of being middle class in Europe, which gives you a lot of freedom, which you don’t have in the U. S.. It’s very difficult to live with a lot of freedom in the U.S. and be middle class, where, even if you don’t live from pay check to pay check, you’re still pretty limited. You really have to make it into the next level to have the privilege of freedom and mobility that you have here. So yeah, in terms of contrast, that would be that, I think.

N: We’ve noticed in class you’re very comfortable switching between English and French. So we were wondering what languages you can speak?

B: I speak six languages.

N: Oh, wow.

B: Czech is my mother tongue, and then French, English. I live in a Francophone environment and I learned French as a child and as an adolescent. English, German I acquired because of schools. And then I learned Italian and Spanish, one because I needed one to get into the university, to get a degree, and the other I started learning by traveling and then I earned a degree in Spanish as well. So I move amongst languages, but deconstruction is more than one language, as we all know. But joke aside, I think that moving amongst languages is also moving amongst ways of looking at things. [to Giulia] And I think, well, you’re blessed not to be in the Derrida class, but we see that as you shift from one language to another you make possibilities appear, things that are lost or gained in translation. I think that even if we’re monolingual, we constantly translate. And if you speak more than one language, which is, by the way, one of the things that I really like about teaching in Europe, that people are so multilingual—which is quite remarkable. You can’t appeal to that sort of, if not knowledge, at least consciousness of languages when you teach in the U.S. You can’t. They don’t know the languages. It’s not their fault, but that’s the way it is.

N: I wanted to ask this just because I was curious, but since you can speak Czech, do you read much Czech literature?

B: I don’t.

N: Or research it?

B: No. I never conducted any research at all. I read a little bit. I’m a slow reader altogether, but it’s worse in some of these languages. German and Czech are the worst for me in terms of speed and fluency. Even though Czech is my mother tongue, I never went to school, I don’t have any formal training in Czech, so it’s very difficult for me. And so I read Kundera in Czech, I read Čapek, I read a few authors but I don’t read much in Czech. I read newspapers, magazines, stuff like that. I’m perfectly fluent but with a somewhat limited vocabulary and my grammar is hilarious. [to Nicole] Do you write Czech?

N: Only texting my grandparents, so that’s the same for me.

B: And I’ll tell you what, I learned a lot of Czech from texting because if you put the spell checker, you have the distinction between trvdý y, měký I, for instance, which says nothing to most people, but it’s basically the distinction between the final y and the final i in Czech [the distinction between two spellings of the same sound in Czech, a particularly difficult grammatical rule]. That’s one of the tricky things, but the spellchecker will tell you, so little by little you learn. Whereas I would do that randomly; my relatives said I wrote the most hilarious letters ever because my Czech was so inventive.

N: Yeah, I never read it either, but I speak it with my grandparents. That’s how I picked it up.

B: Okay, well, that’s pretty good. That’s pretty good.

N: It is, all the accents are a bit confusing.

B: Oh, the diacritics in the Czech is ridiculous. Yeah. Absolutely ridiculous.

S: So… what are your main academic interests?

B: Oh, my gosh. Where do I start? It’s actually a very interesting question. My primary training is in literature. So I’m interested in fiction, poetics. This has brought me to things we were talking about in class today, that is, the possibility of fiction and what fiction means, and so that has triggered a whole series of theoretical interests which have included deconstruction, psychoanalysis, postcolonial studies. I mean all these theoretical aspects that stem from the performative aspect of language, language as something that produces whatever it is that we call “reality,” including the reality of ourselves. So, strangely fiction has brought me to that. And I think that originally I became an Americanist because American literature seemed to pose certain epistemological questions that, at least at the time when I was an undergraduate and then a graduate student, seemed to have disappeared from the canon of French or English literature where Shakespeare was Shakespeare and you were there to basically learn it by heart and admire it and say he was the greatest genius of all times and find all sorts of particulars in the text that constantly reinforced this thesis that from which there was no reason to deviate. Of course, things have changed radically, you know, and I see it clearly, for instance, when I talk to my friend Kevin down the corridor. That’s not the way Shakespeare is envisaged today. But again, what I’m talking about is thirty years ago. When you make those choices, what am I going to do? Thirty years ago, American literature and English departments where American literature was taught were those places of new emerging possibilities where theory was anchored. Theory was emerging in great force in the 80s and 90s and that’s what attracted me. So, my academic interests were shaped by that. By doing things in English departments and then gravitating toward the American aspect of literature, and then the more theoretical possibilities that were more specifically attached to American issues. And so it involved questions of race, questions of gender, questions of sexuality, and when I say race, sex, gender, I mean representations thereof or linguistic production thereof.

Giulia: Can you describe your journey into teaching literature and English culture?

B: As I said, American literature and American studies, for the reasons that I’ve just covered, but also, I suspect because of central European political refugee type of tropism, right, I’m a kid of the Cold War, and so America for my parents was this land out there that fought against communism. Sort of subconsciously, I think that there is a tropism toward things American because of that. As far as I can remember I have reminiscences of things American like movies and music. I learned my English listening to Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and the crooners of the fifties and sixties, my mother was listening to, so I learned my English listening to that. I then learned my French listening to Charles Aznavour. It’s part of the attraction, in addition to then things I think subliminally developed in me even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. But American culture, American literature have always attracted me because they were in question. And I think it is still the case today, I mean possibly more than ever, right now, where the question of what America is, how it is, what sort of construct it is, in Derridean terms, what traces of itself does it leave, and how these traces erase themselves, even as they are produced. That’s the questions that have always fascinated me, and that’s what made me gravitate toward the American world at the time. Nowadays, I think I could just as easily gravitate to other worlds because the theoretical wind that started blowing in the 70s, I was too young then, but then in the 80s and 90s has now swept all the other academic fields so it is uncertain whether I would become an Americanist today. I mean today, 2024! It sounds a little bit like a joke but I’m not sure. I’m a little bit tired sometimes of trying to explain that to people. It’s a little bit painful.

G: And how do your Swiss students usually respond to English literature? Are there any cultural nuances that you find yourself having to explain?

B: Yes, absolutely. I think that being an Americanist in the U.S. you have to spend a lot of time deconstructing American culture for your American students because they’re less multilingual, because they travel less, because they’re less self-aware of their own culture and so on. And so you have to be more critical in the true sense of the word, you have to provide this critical distance. In Switzerland, and Europe in general, I find that you also have to do that, but you also have to—defend is not exactly the word—but explain. Explain that first of all, whatever’s going on right now, and I mean right now but it can be any right now in the last 30 years, there’s always a crisis somewhere in the world in which the U.S. is involved in some disrespectable manner: this is the history of the 20th century, basically. And even before, I mean the 19th-century Panama Canal, and before that, slavery, and before that, relation to indigenous tribes of “America,” and so forth. There’s always some scandal, to say it like that, in which America is involved. So you constantly have to explain that there is more to the U.S. than what meets the eye. In 2024, there is more to the U.S. than Donald Trump, and there is more to the U.S. than some exaggerated form of wokeism, there’s more to it than that. So the difference would be there. In both cases, you need to provide the deconstruction, the critical distance, you need to provide the critique but on this side of the water you also need to say, well, the culture also functions in ways which are not only horrible. It is an imperial culture, so it has all the flaws of imperial cultures. But it is also one of the cradles of democracy, right? Voilà. But as we have seen again today, the possibility of a major conception bears in itself the possibility of the destruction thereof. So, American democracy carries with itself the possibility of its erasure.

S: I see. Can you tell our readers a little bit about what you’re currently working on?

B: I am currently working on a study on the Western in movies specifically. It’s called ‘Framing the American West’ and it’s a study on a very limited number of films where I propose that the symbolic forms of the American Western have contributed to shaping the ethics and aesthetics and the political forms of the nation. Cinema in the 20th century has shaped aesthetics and politics, has given political and aesthetic forms to the nation and has exported those forms to the four corners of the world, thus participating to that movement we call globalization. It’s not the only phenomenon in it, but I contend that the Americanization of the world is in great part due to the so-called soft power of  the U.S.. I don’t think it’s very soft, and the Western plays a role in that. My central analogy is with the invention of other symbolic forms, and that’s of central perspective in the Renaissance, by Alberti in particular who in 1435 formalized central perspective, and as a result, for the next 500 years or so, it was impossible to produce any sort of convincing painting that wasn’t in perspective. When people looked at that, they said, “ah, this is reality.” In other words, and here’s Lacan, 500 years ago: we the West produced a symbolic order in which we have believed to the point of mistaking it for reality. I propose that the American Western has produced something of that order, not primarily with the stories it tells, but with the forms themselves, which have to do with cinema, with movement, and with the possibility of almost endlessly repeating those forms.

S: That’s very interesting.

G: How has living in Switzerland influenced your perspective on the literature you teach or literature in general?

B: I think I would have to go to multilingualism again. It’s a true privilege to work in an environment where people speak at least two languages, but in most cases it’s three or more, and where people also come from increasingly varied backgrounds. Again, those things have changed over time; Switzerland thirty years ago was much more homogeneous than it is today, and I see it in my classes every day. I think that this has been a major influence. Also the fact harkens back a little bit on what I said before, you have to explain certain things and you have to explain them at a level that seems very elementary. At the same time, it reveals a lot to the students, and it would reveal a lot if it were done like that in the U.S. So, in New American Studies, for instance, I talk about the size of the United States which anyone who lives in the U.S. knows to be a big country. But the way you measure the country is very different from how you measure it here, right? So, for instance, if you ask someone how far Bern is from here? What will you say?

G: It’s far.

B: Okay, how far?

G: I don’t know. I’m very bad with distances.

B: Okay, how far is Geneva?

N: I’d probably just explain it like a 40-minute train journey. I look at it in terms of travel time because I’m also quite bad with distances!

B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That’s typically an Anglo-American answer, right? So you say 40 minutes away. If I ask my Swiss students, that’s why I took the liberty of picking on [Giulia], they will say it’s 40 or 60 kilometres away. In the U.S. you’ll never say that. You’ll say it’s a 20-minute drive most of the time, or it’s a two-hour flight, or it’s a five-hour flight. All my friends who live in the Midwest, I say my gosh you live in the Midwest, and they’ll say, but it’s only a two-hour flight to Chicago. You know, that would be your commute to Zurich! So even very basic things such as distance and orientation are very different in Europe or in the U.S.. So, on the one hand, you have to explain that to students who will never say I live 20-minutes north of here. No Swiss student will ever say that. I mean I know there’s flying fish (but flying does not define fish, usually) so maybe someone will maybe say that one day, but nobody here says that usually. And if you live here you can explain that to people and all of a sudden you make very important things appear about the culture you’re teaching. I’m working on the American West, the whole notion of East, West, and North, and South in the U.S. has political meaning. The American South: that’s not the direction, that’s not the geographical direction, that’s a political direction. North is a political direction. East and West are political directions. So, if I teach this here I can show it and I make something appear which—I hope—will be of interest to students learning about the culture.

N: We were also wondering if you had any other sort of interests or academic interests outside of literature and English?

B: My partner asked me the other day what I thought comparative literature was, so I tried to explain to her what was usually meant by it. What it usually means is literature in more than one language which in Switzerland is a little bit strange since literature is always in more than one language, but it makes perfect sense in very monolingual countries such as France or the U.S.. And so it very soon appeared to me that any literature was comparative, that literature can only be comparative, but also that disciplines are comparative. And so yes, I say I teach literature, but really I also speak of psychoanalysis and of zoology and of technology and, an anecdotal example, I taught ILA before my class. I taught Shakespeare Sonnet 130, ‘My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun’, and that sort of thing. He says, ‘Mistress breath reeks’ and I was taking students to task about that. I think you cannot read this line without talking about what it means to smell good and smell bad. What does it have to do with desire? But then what do we call a bad smell? So, yes, I am interested in things that have strictly nothing to do with “literature.” So, for instance, I’m interested in what a bad smell is. I was half joking because I joke, but I always have joked. I was asking them who ate cheese? I got lucky: nobody was lactose intolerant. Everybody ate cheese in the room so everybody put up their hands and said Gruyère and I said, okay, now eliminate the Gruyère, keep the smell. How does it smell? It smells bad. It smells horrible. Right? The smell of cheese without the cheese is like taking your shoes off after a long day! It stinks. It reeks. Right? Voilà. What does it mean? It means that when I say that I teach literature it really means that in order to teach literature, whatever is known as literature, you need to be interested at least a little bit and you need to know at least a little bit about almost everything. Almost everything. You don’t need to be a physicist and you don’t need to be a biologist and a medical doctor. But you need to know something about it, and the more you know the better, of course. But the wider your span of interest is, the better I think can your understanding of the text be. But even more importantly, I think, the better you can possibly grasp for something that will help others read. Something, by the way, I find fascinating in Derrida. The way he jumps from one field of expertise to another. It’s fascinating. Deleuze is worse. I mean worse or better in the sense that one moment you’re reading about insects, the next moment you’re reading about cybernetics, and the third it’s about Lacan, and after that it’s psychoanalysis. It just moves organically from one to the other. So I don’t think I’m an expert on anything but I think I have a flexibility that enables me to follow different paths and I found that helpful in my teaching and my research and hopefully others have too.

N: Yeah, I think that’s one of the things I’ve always found I’ve enjoyed about literature overall is that you do touch on so many different subjects.

B: That’s right, absolutely. Next year I’m doing a class I’ve always wanted to do, so next year I’m doing it: it’ll be a whole year on Melville. Two semesters on Melville only. One of the novels is inevitably going to be Moby-Dick, which is, in itself, an encyclopaedia about how not to catch a whale, right? The array of things he touches upon, from metaphysics to religion to capitalism to cytology to homoeroticism to power relations to tyrants to sea navigations to parts of a ship, is almost infinite Of course you can say, oh, well, it’s all a metaphor, okay? What have you learned? I mean, what is the point of writing a 800-page books if it’s all a metaphor? Uh, you might as well not read it at all.

N: Is that next semester or next academic year?

B: It’s next academic year.

G: How do you keep your own passion for literature alive? Are there any works you return to for inspiration?

B: I apologize for the cliché, but teaching helps me immensely. Having to respond to the call, because it is a call, you see, and every year I’m called upon to teach, and I must respond. I must be responsible for my class, and under the injunction of that call, I respond. I think that if nobody called on me, maybe I would lose it. I’m not sure but I’ve always suspected that if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. And it’s not only because I’m lazy. I think that it depends on this ethical injunction. So, of course, you guys don’t call upon me directly. You call upon me because il faut bien aller quelque part. But at the end of the day, you’re in the classroom and I’m responsible for the class. And so I respond. I think it’s this ethical injunction which I think is contained in literature itself. All these books here [on the bookshelves behind us] are completely insignificant unless someone opens them because they’re all calling, crying out, to be read. Many of them will never be read which means that some of them will be forgotten. Hundreds of thousands of books have been written in the world that will never be read. Voilà. But that’s ethics of reading you see, that’s ethics. So what keeps my passion alive is that. It’s this ethical injunction. I read because I cannot not. Which, I think, is a definition of ethics. An ethical act is that which you cannot not do.

G: How do you think living in Switzerland has shaped you as a teacher and a reader?

B: Well, I think in the ways that I have mentioned before and I also mentioned the politics earlier. At this university and this department in particular, we have a wonderful amount of freedom which comes with responsibility and I think that this conjunction of liberty and responsibility is what makes this ethical response possible because if the request is so stringent and so strict that you can only answer then it’s not a response. I’m very Derridean in my response, but it’s your fault! My response is only a response insofar as the possibility of not responding exists. I only act ethically, I seek to act ethically only insofar as it is possible for me, at least theoretically, not to do so, and that’s a condition that’s only possible if you are at liberty to do that, right? If someone puts a gun to your head and said, okay, you’re teaching Moby-Dick, then you’re teaching Moby-Dick. In Lacanian terms it would be a reaction rather than a response. If you must, you can only react. But if I say something to you guys, you respond, either phatically by nodding or by smiling. You respond. That’s part of the ethical exchange, which you have sought and persevere in seeking, and that is only possible within the parameters of freedom, right? Taking you as an example, you’re doing this [interview] as a free will act, right? But you’re investing your time in that because in some mysterious way, you cannot not do it, but theoretically you could. You’re here this afternoon, whereas you could be playing tennis or sipping tea with your friends, because you responded to this very mysterious call. Sorry for making it so mystical, but it’s something of that order.

N: So just one final thing, Sophie and I haven’t been in Switzerland for very long, and you’ve been here for a little while now, so we were just wondering if there were any places in Switzerland you’d recommend visiting or like favourite places you’ve been to?

B: Ah, it’s interesting. I have been here for a long time but I’ve always travelled a lot. Not just because of my curriculum vitae but also because I’m of a generation for whom travel was part of what made you as an individual. Again, I’m a kid of the Cold War, but I’m very close to the Beat generation, people like that, for whom being on the road had meaning in itself. So I travel a lot and I tell people, I live in, teach in Switzerland and you get somewhat bemused reactions from people. Either ignorance, many people know absolutely nothing about Switzerland, including its geographical location or they know the classic clichés about the watches, the cows, and the chocolate. Beyond that you get a sort of almost spiteful reaction. “Oh, Switzerland, how boring, how annoying. You know, what a stupid place to live. I mean, especially considering that you’re three hours away from Paris. Why don’t you live in Paris?” I never found Switzerland boring in the least. Never. So do I have favourite places? I have nothing but favourite places. Not that I think that they’re all the same but what I like is the différance amongst them. Switzerland keeps differing, you know, you go 20 kilometres and everything changes. Architecture, climate, language, cuisine, religion, mores, everything changes. I mean, a little bit less so today for obvious reasons, but still. So Switzerland is not an extensive, but rather an intensive place, and that’s what I like about it.

N: Perfect, well thank you so much.

S: Thank you so much for doing the interview.

B: Thank you for your patience—thank you.

Categories
2024 – Winter

The Nest

Author: Gaia Masiello

Each group of three volunteers was assigned three nests to patrol in rotation. The first hatching happened on the fifth day of the first week, and I missed it. 
We wake up early in the morning, have breakfast, and by six, we’re all down at the beach for the assignment of tasks. We work until eleven; then it gets too hot. We start again in the afternoon for a few hours, and then we’re all completely worn out. In the first few days, I always volunteered to clean the beaches. It’s the most important job here at camp, but it’s also the most exhausting. If you really had to clean a beach— I mean, really get it perfectly clean— you’d surely go crazy. All sorts of things wash up from the sea, and some trash has deteriorated so much that it’s as small as grains of sand. Only they’re red, green, or purple. You can’t possibly pick them all up, and in the end, it feels like you haven’t collected enough even when your bag is full of garbage. And then, all it takes is one night’s storm, and you’re back to square one. 
The group from the first hatching told us everything in detail. A marvel: a hundred tiny turtles emerged from under the sand in a little eruption, reached the sea, and began their long journey, uninterrupted. They know exactly where to go and how to get there, from the very first second of life.  The nets and plastic waste we collect, we put aside in special bags. We make decorative garlands out of bottle caps that we hang on the bunk beds in the dormitory, and the nets in good condition are cleaned up and resold to fishermen at a symbolic price. With the rest, Antonio, our supervisor, makes hammocks that will always smell of the sea. Some say they smell like fish, though. The rest of the plastic we donate to the guys at MedCleanUp. They recycle it, and with a 3D printer, they make all sorts of things: deck chairs, fabrics, shoes, cell phone covers, and handles. Some of their items are sold at the camp’s reception. 
Starting from the second week, hatchings happened almost every day, and soon all the volunteers could say they had witnessed the miracle of life. When the last marked nest hatched, I still hadn’t managed to see a single one. There were two days left before we left, and I really didn’t want to leave the island without seeing the turtles. Antonio told me I could always come back next year. I kicked the bag of trash I had collected that morning into the pile next to his desk, and he told me I could spend the last day exploring the beaches that hadn’t been patrolled. Maybe I’d find an unmarked nest. But that’s not the point, he told me. I told him I knew, and then I walked away. 
I’m heading to Cala Pozza, and it’s my last attempt. It’s not yet dawn, but I need to hurry because the project’s closing ceremony starts at nine, and the beach is a half-hour walk away. It’s unlikely there’s anything at Cala Pozza, since it’s the surfers’ beach, so it’s busy year-round. But it’s very long, so it’s not impossible that in the north corner where the cliffs start, the spot surfers avoid, there could be an unmarked nest. I have to walk the entire length of the beach to get there, so it’ll be another ten minutes or so. I need to hurry. At this hour, the island is submerged in silence, now that even the wind has calmed. Only the distant sound of waves can be heard. As I walk, I only look at what enters the cone of light from my flashlight. Antonio lent it to me and told me to be careful not to bang it around because it’s a good flashlight, a real one. To get to Cala Pozza, you walk up a path that leads to the top of the cliffs on the south side of the beach; then I have to cross it all the way to the north corner. From the cliffs, I can see the wooden roof of the surfboard shack at the beginning of the beach. I point the flashlight toward the far end of the beach and turn the crank to the largest dot. 
There’s something floating in the water. The waves are pushing something toward the shore. I don’t understand what that is. I am too far away and the light is not strong enough. 
I see dark shapes on the beach.   Bodies. 
They’re people! It looks like four of them. Six with the ones in the water. Maybe more, it’s hard to tell. I feel my stomach drop. One of them stirs in the water.  I don’t remember very well anymore; so many years have passed. 
I remember my voice, though it didn’t seem like my own. I could hear myself screaming, loud. But it no longer felt like my voice.  By the time the sun rose, many of us were there, but by then, it was all useless. 

Categories
2024 – Winter

WANDERING THROUGH COMICS…

Image: © Emma Donat

Author: Emma Donat

So Long Sad Love – Mirion Malle

To say that I am a fan of Mirion’s work is an understatement. She always hits her target: our feelings! With So Long Sad Love and her incredibly well written scenario, Mirion Malle gives us the trail of a toxic relationship and how to exit to find true peace.

Even though I do not quite like the -spoiler- happy ending because of the -oh so classic -: “you always have to find love to be happy.’’ It is truly a gem of independent comic.

By the way, she’s French! Go grab her books!

Fungirl – Elizabeth Pich

Have you ever seen a girl wearing a dildo in the kitchen she shares
with her roommate? No? Well, now is your time to change that by reading the eccentric comic that Fungirl is.

We follow Fungirl in her daily life and the graphic novel is silly, outrageous but damn, so fun-ny! I’ve never seen anything quite like that. Try it and you might laugh your head off or perhaps not but that’s quite sad for you :)

Girl Juice – Benji Nate

Another crazy cuckoo girl story! Do I sense a pattern here in my readings? Mmmh…
Living with roommates, the camaraderie between the girls is hilarious and yet real. Rent to pay, preys to seduc… uh boys to seduce, life crisis… Everything that makes a twenty something realise there’s so much more to life to live.

ON A SUNBEAM – Tillie Walden

If I had a franc every time I recommended this comic, I could buy a good mozzarella sandwich from the Anthropole cafeteria. Nonetheless, it is truly a masterpiece of science fiction.
Queer, inclusive, fantastically written and drawn. What more could you ask for? The stories of two girls meeting and never letting go.
+ cool creatures and spaceships!

Categories
2024 – Winter

Penelope

Author: Ags

Read whilst listening to —Futile Devices by Sufjan Stevens— if you want to

Dear De
Hello.
Hey,
Sorry for the delay.
I got your letter. I know it’s been three weeks. I’ve been meaning to write, but it seems I don’t have a pretty enough picture to send. Your presence is all over these pages. With the flower petals dried out and stuck to the side, and that decorative tape you always add in front. You even bother to circle the letters of my name. “To make them look 3D,” you say. And those Alfons Mucha cards from your favourite shop in town! I swear, I could almost know the vendor from how much you speak of him.
Well.
I, unfortunately, don’t have tape. Or flowers, in fact. I tried; I did. I stole some of these plumerias from the train station I was in last night. The petals dried up in my suitcase. And yes, I know you love it when I send you these cards from the countries I’m in. But seriously, airport postcards are just the most soulless things I’ve ever seen.
Anyways, this may sound like an excuse for the delay of my answer. It’s not. I promise.
I’ve been moving, as I’m sure you know. In fact, I haven’t really set foot on the ground since the last time I heard you say, “see you soon.”
It’s never really “soon” per se. We both know it though I am particularly skilled at denial. It’s more of a tradition, an embellishment to our goodbyes, like those little led lights you cover your room with despite the sun that peeks through your windows. It’s a promise—a way of saying that we’ll wait, that time is just a side character to our plot.
See, there’s something I understood recently about us about you. It struck me when you left my house last October. I remember I told you, “I’ll be homesick.”
The strange thing is, I wasn’t the one leaving home for once. Were I more articulate, I’d have formulated some poetic verse about how the absence of you shuts out colour or something like that.You know that part in “Tintern Abbey”? When Wordsworth writes:

And now, with gleams of half-extinguish’d thought,
With many recognitions dim and faint,
And somewhat of a sad perplexity,
The picture of the mind revives again


Yeah… that. The feeling a place changes when one looks at it again. Only for me, it’s not so much about time passing; it’s more about how different a place feels when you’re in it from when you’re gone. Like a picture that loses its tint, you know?
See, the images in my mind, they all include you. We don’t need to be talking; we don’t even need to face each other. But you’re there in the frame. And when you’re not, it’s like the little filmmaker in my mind decides to add the muted filter to everything I see.
I’m not saying I don’t like moments without you as well. It’s just not the same camera.
So, it gets complicated when I see you once every eternity. It seems my life doesn’t like me picturing things too long.
I’m sorry I move so much. Sorry I can’t stay in a place long enough to find my words with you. Sorry I fail to send you those airport postcards just because I feel jealous of your gorgeous letters. Sorry that, despite your constant efforts, I fail to breathe a bit with you.
Workaholic, anxious mess of a mind, I’ve subscribed to decades of guilt whenever I take the time to imagine myself settled. And you know my parents, of course. They like to stare at paths and remind me that change is the only way not to close any of these doors. You don’t turn down opportunity—not in my family. It’s like some god you can’t refuse.

This “need” to see the world, to flee from your comfort zone like it’s some fruit of Eden, it gets tiring. With it, ignoring an open door is like missing out on half the world. And then you come in, and I take a moment to sit with you, chat. One conversation, and it feels worth traveling the entire earth. One day together, and I’d miss out on seven planets for all I care.
I wish I could show them—my parents—how much I get from you. How much you bring me. It’s not that they don’t care; I just don’t think they see how traveling makes you need something else to grasp onto.
I hang onto things—letters, books, posters that wallpaper my room. But then again, I can’t be taking everything to each new place, can I? Clothes unworn for more than a year, comics read more than twice. Posters fall away along with the houses. Every move sheds something or someone.
Gods know the times I heard and said, “We’ll stay in contact.” Gods know how many people I’ve forgotten the names of.
Switching between stations and airports the way I switched schools through childhood, the way you switch clothes. Spending holidays on trains in the hopes of seeing a glimpse of you before I have to leave again. Running between houses that don’t feel like home. Countries just cannot seem to stick.
I work in two languages, aim for seven different futures. The possibility of an exchange, the opportunity of a job far away. I don’t keep diaries; descriptions and images I try to paint of my everyday sound blurry and unsure. And the memory compilations that my iPhone suggests every month just don’t do the trick to build a frame.
But there are exceptions to every rule, even those that structure your life. Every postcard needs a focus, and my camera seems to like your smile.
I thought places defined people. I travel, I change, I lose some and gain some. It’s a cluster of changes. I’ve moved four times since I’ve known you. And when I came back for a year, you went off to some successful school. Naturally, not the best way to secure a grounded relationship. It’s like a dance on a seesaw where we just can’t find our way down at the same time. And I just assumed it would pass, the feeling of missing you, like so many other times. But it didn’t. And I just kept working for the moments I got with you, as short as they were.
But this isn’t a sad story about how I can’t seem to be happy since we met. You’re a little more special than that. You crossed the borders with me—in phone calls, through letters. With the way you have of actually keeping track of what’s going on with me, miles away, making me feel like you’re in my story.
And me? I guess my brain won’t let go of your name so fast. People come and go, but places remain. It was on a post once: Artists like Jean Léon Gérôme paint a harem in the 19th century, and the public claps at how similar the halls look today.
I’m not here to debate how resistant the harem walls are to centuries. But as you left me last month, when I told you I’d be homesick, I understood how wrong that saying was. You remained—more than places, more even than some memories. You stay on my mind, by my side. You watch ruins fall apart at museums with me, read poems about how everything disappears one day. You call me through time zones and different languages.
And yes, places change just as much as people. Halls fall apart; they erode, they grow. But when I close my eyes and think of a place to settle, you’re the most stable part of it. And when you tell me you’ll be there when I come back from my courses, when I text you that I’m passing by, when we hop on a night bus to the edge of nowhere or open the door to another creaky Airbnb, it’s like coming home.

Comments by the jury:

“An optimistic take on relations with plenty of sentiment…but that is perhaps a nice change of pace from what’s in vogue in literary production these days.”

“The writer manages to pack many layers into a short piece of writing – their appreciation for letters, and the way they cannot return them. … This reader finished the piece hoping they will find what they are looking for.”

“The language is so fluid and lovely to read, it’s almost like a train of thoughts but well-curated.”

Categories
2024 – Winter

Children and play area

Author: Kayla Jendly

[Contente Warning: Murder]

This place used to be filled with children’s laughter. If it was sunny, it did not matter. There always were children playing. Chasing one another. Fighting one another. Showing their parents how great they were at being tightrope walkers. They would find the most beautiful rocks that a mom could wish for as a gift. With rain, the children would play with water and soak themselves, jumping in puddles, a smile on their face. And they would smile even more when their mom, desperate from the laundry to come, would scream their name. With the wind, the children would be in the middle of a tempest on a boat, fighting the elements to find the beautiful treasure of friendship. With snow, the children would do epic snowball fights. Friendships would die. Alliances would be created. Betrayal would be committed. With the sun, there would be even more children here, playing, screaming, chasing dragons, saving princesses, catching robbers. Children playing with their imagination. 

But today the play area isn’t filled with children’s laughter anymore. The swing is touched only by the wind, not by dirty little hands. The slide is waiting to be used but no one wants to go on it. The people here today are too old for that. And they are not in the mood anyway. Even if you don’t hear the children’s presence; there are sounds. You hear the birds singing. Well, not as loud as usual. As though even the birds knew that should not happen. That’s the problem. It should not happen, but it has happened. The wind plays with the leaf of autumn with no joy, trying not to make too much noise. As if silence was required. As if silence was the only response to what happened. Leaving the leaves, the wind hurts the yellow tape. They are visible, even through the fallen leaves. The yellow of this tape is aggressive as if it was trying to represent what happened. The tape is a warning. Come closer if you dare. But you won’t leave this place with the same light in you. You will lose something. Come closer if you dare. But at your own risks.

The inspector must come closer. New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Same darkness of humankind. Temperature is colder by the way. Preserves the bodies better. Not the dignity. Preserves the tracks better. Not the pain. New State. Same people looking for the morbid. Close just enough but not too much. Close just enough for the heartbeat to raise. But not too much to have nightmares. Close just enough to take a picture. But not too much to think about your own child waiting for you at the kindergarten. 

The inspector must come closer. New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Before being able to come closer he has to prove his identity. He shows his police card. He is closer. He walks under the yellow tape. The wind plays with them loudly now, as if it screams a warning to the inspector. Do not come closer. The birds, feeling the death, come closer. They want to see. Maybe the humans will forget a piece and the birds will feast. Without the yellow tape and the men in white it could almost be a normal play area. Except for one thing. The body. The little body. The tiny little body. How could it seem so small? It had all its life ahead. But now, it’s just a tiny little piece of meat. The inspector knows he has to find the killer. Otherwise, it will happen again: New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Same darkness of humankind. He does not think his wedding will survive another town. And what about his little blond angel? Who would she choose? Her loving Mom? Her tortured Dad? The inspector comes even closer. The blond hair making a crown to the little body. As a princess sleeping, waiting for her prince to kiss her, but only Death is allowed to kiss her now. The blue coat which was supposed to protect the little angel from the rain did not protect her from death. The blue coat does not hide the blood stains.

The inspector is too hot. It is not his first crime scene with that kind of horror. But this time it is different. A pain in his stomach grows bigger. He really needs to calm down. Maybe that “zen” shit his wife is always talking about could help. He must go see the body with his own eyes. To feel the scene. Be where the killer was. He just stands there, waiting for the men in white to finish their job. So he can come closer. Always closer. Be the closest.

The sign. He can come closer. Always closer to the truth. With each step, the pain in the stomach grows bigger. How can he stop this feeling? Even with the yellow tape, he can feel the crowd of people. Now the journalists should be here. They’re a problem too. So many things to think about, to do before he can go home to his wife and little blond angel.Now he is close enough. Now he sees what is wrong. Now he sees what the problem is. Now he knows, he knows this little blond angel. Maybe the question: who would she choose doesn’t matter anymore.

Categories
2024 – Winter

Front Row Seats

Author: J. Seeger

[Content Warning: Suicide]

I gesture to the man on the bench. The pointless, albeit polite question ‘Do you  mind if I have a seat?’ He doesn’t respond. I sit, sliding down the contours of the bench. The  picture of contempt. It has been a considerably wet August, and the leaves have fallen  early this year. The smell of rotting plant matter is noxious, but it is a welcome distraction  from the cacophony of modern life. That smell. The tree to my left is an apple tree, its  brown decaying fruit is the most pungent. But there are other smells underneath, the smell  of rain on concrete, the smell of freshly cut grass. 

They say that apples contain trace amounts of cyanide. It’s not enough to kill you  unfortunately. I pondered about selectively breeding apples for higher cyanide content. I would ruminate on these problems as a child.  Amusing myself with how different Sleeping Beauty would be if the apple on the windowsill was the one designed to kill. A ‘Red Deathlicious’. Bad joke”  

Today I wonder if I could feed this poisoned fruit to the man next to me. He is a  businessman, grey suit, blue shirt, top button undone, a spotted tie loosely knotted, he  was drinking a beer. I suppose he didn’t want to go home just yet, he had a wedding band  on his left ring finger. He glances down at it every now and again. I ask myself what his reaction would be if I handed him an apple, how quickly he would bite into it. Cyanide works by inhibiting the  process which makes energy in your cells. It makes you tired, sleepy. You lose coordination and you become dizzy. Your heart rate will slow down. Beat by beat, a slow  creep closer to death. I ponder what would happen if I could eat that poisoned apple. It’s late. I need to sleep. A bench is as good as any bed. 

I wake up just before dawn. My phone is ringing. It’s my secretary. Faithful Jane,  she’s always been on my side. She’s asking me where I am. I tell her I’m at home. I am lying. The bench is still under me. I get up and start walking, she reminds me the car will pick me  up in one hour, she hangs up. Jane is eight years younger than me, but treats me like it’s  the other way around. She looks after me well, in another life we would have been married  by now. My walk to the apartment is short, I am there in seven minutes. I open my door, I  take off my shoes and I carry them to the elevator. My feet are sore. I press the button and  the brushed metal doors open immediately. The elevator’s interior is made of floor to  ceiling mirrors. It makes me feel vulnerable. My shoulders arched forward, the weight  of the world shrugged off. I ask the elevator for the penthouse. The door opens into my  living area and I drop my shoes. My Artificial Intelligence calls my name.“John”, it says. It  asks me if I want some coffee. I tell it to get ready for after my shower. 

My apartment is open plan. My furniture is bespoke, uncomfortable. This apartment  is the tallest building in the city of Geneva, Switzerland. I live on the highest floor. Every  wall is made of glass, at night, I flip a switch and an electric current passes through each pane. The microscopic pigments embedded throughout the glass expand and then my  window on the world closes. The shower is in the corner of the apartment. I take my  clothes off and step in. The AI preheated the water. The water is recycled from the day  before. The rain that filled my nostrils now washes the scum off my back. I hope the next  person who lives here can appreciate the hidden simplistic beauty of this place. I don’t. I’m dressed in my newest suit. I haven’t picked my tie yet. Jane will do that for me. I can see the large armoured car driving down the road, it’s for me. Jane rings. I tell her I’m coming down. I look towards the lake and the mountains. The sun has risen enough for it to be light outside now, the orange glow it casts is at its peak. The lake is a particularly  wholesome sight, in a way the lake is like its own celestial body, the fires of our nearest 

star, captured in the waters of the lake, the two life giving powers in our universe, one  caught in the reflection of the other. I take in that view for what I think will be the last time.  

The elevator is waiting for me. I walk in and look at the mirrors, the shower has  cleaned the superficial filth. But, I can still see the dirt in the cracks. The elevator doors  open and the car is waiting for me. Jane opens the door of the car. She is wearing a grey  suit and a maroon shirt. Her hair is tied back and she is wearing little make-up. She looks  nice. I get in and she climbs in behind me. We drive to the parliament building for my trial. I am hurried into the building out of view of cameras and journalists. This building used to  be home of the United Nations. It is now home to the Pan-Eurasian Coalition, which I was  in charge of. Funny how things change. I am taken to my office, there is a balcony. I take Jane with me, the doors are locked and my guards wait outside. I find it odd that they gave me guards. These people are sentencing me to death. Yet they don’t want the  millions, billions, of other men and women to do it for them. Jesus once said; let he who is  without sin cast the first stone. He gestured to a baited crowd, armed with rocks, ready to  stone an adulterer to death. Stupid story.  

Jane gives me a hug, and passes me my package, I thank her, open the package  and place its contents in the inside pocket of my suit. Faithful Jane. She says she will miss  me. I tell her I have a plan. I don’t know if it will work. The trial is a mere formality. I have  one witness left, one man who can defend me. He will speak for me, for when all is said  and done, he and only he knows the truth.There’s a knock at the door. It’s time. 

I am guided slowly into the awaiting chamber. This is where I make my last  defence, the final formality of the long drawn out game of hangman. I pray, with its loosest  meaning, that my witness will be here. I am first in the chamber, the auditorium. I am taken  to my seat. It is a cheap plastic chair with metal legs. I prefer my bench. The chair is hidden by four wooden panels of highly polished dark oak. They are ornate in structure and reflect the rest of the building, all except for my cold plastic chair. This is the cell they made me. The wall behind me is adorned by the flag of the PEC, a blue background with red, blue, yellow, green and black stripes, they are at a subtle angle, and run from top to bottom down the middle of the flag. They represent all the colours of our coalition countries, just like the old Olympic Rings. I hate it, it’s ugly. Underneath are smaller versions of the flags belonging to each member state. The ceiling is a curved dome of glass where citizens, voyeurs, can watch the dismantling of democracy and due process. It’s closed today, the cameras will see everything though live TV. In front of me are rows of seats and desks, where each country’s representatives will sit. Independent witnesses and token journalists. There are 300 seats, each will be filled. One more row of seats, in between me and the madding crowd. I still have my package. The row of seats are for the judges. A jolly band of sinners, ready to cast their stones. I sit and close my eyes and remember the scent of rotting apples. My eyes are shut as the auditorium fills, slowly.  It is nine in the morning before the trial starts. Everyone is in place and I open my eyes. 

They hear my defence. There are jeers when I mention the good work I’ve done,  the peace wrought upon the world. I’m buying myself time. They tell me to sit and then I’m  questioned, again. What good it will do. I reach into the inside pocket and feel its cold  metal. I pull the hammer and feel a satisfying thud as the bullet is loaded into the chamber.  There is a pause as the trial is adjourned for lunch. This is potentially my last meal, I am  asked what I want. I ask for an apple. The auditorium fills and I have only eaten one bite. I  ask the jury for one last plea. They grant my request.

“I know. I know you don’t believe me. This trial is what you wanted though, friends.” I look  into the camera which hovers by my face. “I know this offers no solace to you today, but I  am sorry for the pain you think I caused.” I look towards the jury and stand up. “You  believe that I did this, you believe you found your smoking gun, and with the strike of  hammer on gavel you will waft away the fumes. You are guilty. You pulled the trigger, it is  your bullet and yours alone which was fired.” I sit down heavily and there is a screech as the chair slides back slightly. I look up to the crowd. “I am no murderer.” I pause, a breather, they think it is for dramatic effect, I reach into my pocket. My choice was justified. I put my hand on the grip and rest my finger on the trigger. No one can see the weapon as I hold it by my side. “Comrades…” There is a cry from a representative of Canada, he tells me I am a murderer, I have the blood of Millions on my hands. He is removed promptly. I  am sad he will miss the show. “…your sacrifice was not in vain.” Long pause, I picture  myself on the bench. The head judge asks me if I have anything left to say, he is disgruntled, he raises my hammer. I open my mouth as I stand but I’m stopped. The gavel falls from the judges hand. Front row seats. My witness is here. His bony hand rests on my right shoulder. I raise my left hand, and point the gun to my temple. The Ruger GP100, a relic. There is a scream. The cameras rush to focus on my friend. I know they see him. “My name is John Seeger and I have a rendezvous with death.” I pull the trigger. The crowd goes wild.