2023 - Spring

To my Sunshine

Image: © Angeli Laura De, Rain drops on my window, CreativeCommons License, Source.

Author: Asteria

Life is such a complex concept. Sometimes, we feel powerless and terrified when life presents us with bad news. It feels like the ground is crumbling, and we might get lost in the void. Or sometimes life amazes us with the surprises it has for us. I never was able to pinpoint a meaning or a definition to what life is. Certainly, life is the biological definition of existence, yet it feels like it is simplified and stripped of all the depth it has.

Some would say life has its ups and downs or that everything has a reason. Some might even say there is beauty in the bad. Yet when inconveniences and pain become your normality, it is difficult to understand how some can keep a positive outlook. Especially when it feels like you are walking a solitary path. One which is surrounded by people, yet it feels as if they are just apparitions, part of the mist that envelops you as you amble through the darkness in search of the light.

It is a tiresome travel, one that leaves you wondering if you are walking towards the opposite end. As if you’re straying away from the salvation you’re yearning for.

I was so focused on searching for that ray of sunlight that would indicate to me that it would all be alright, that I am not doomed. I was so engrossed in searching the skies for that sign I was so desperately craving for, I was so trapped by my own mind that I could not realise that I might have been searching for the wrong light source, that I was viewing things from the wrong perspective.

You would appear one day, like a cat jumping out of a thorny bush. Your eyes shone brightly when you greeted me. I was so lost in my trail of thoughts, wondering if you are but another spectre shadowing me like the people that surround me, that I did not notice the innocence and love that radiated from you. Maybe you were life personified?

I was too absorbed on going down my path, focusing on what I thought was my life mission. Although I ignored you, you somehow kept walking by my side. Your patience and liveliness irritated me. Yet no matter how much I tried to push you away, you never budged, never seemed to get hurt by my words, and kept walking by my side. You would push through the wilderness, slink through the thorny branches, not questioning a thing. Not being able to understand you made me angry. You were but a hindrance to my only chance of salvation.

Nevertheless, I would finally find your breaking point. I would finally find the right words to make that smile disappear, for those eyes to grow cloudy. I would finally find a way to make you disappear in the mist, fusing with the ghosts that walked without a purpose outside of this trail I was on.

I felt relief. I was finally able to walk forward, continuing my search for that light source. But the further I tread, the more I wondered if I was going down the right path. How long would it take for my frail body to reach the point of ascension? How long before my body would give up on me? How long until I realised that maybe there is nothing else besides this darkness, this mist, the loneliness. Maybe life is purgatory, after all.

Somewhere along the attempts to move forward and the steps taken back out of fear of heading in the opposite direction, my knees would give in, and the ground would embrace me. I was tired. Mentally and physically. A thunderous cry would be heard. And raindrops would start painting my skin. Rain turned into a storm. My emotions fused with the weather. Was this the end of it? Is everything pointless at the end?

In the cold wetness, a warmth would envelop my face, shielding me from the assault of the raindrops. Opening my eyes, I came face to face with you. Despite my cruelty, you found me. Or more so that you kept walking with me while granting me the distance that I needed. You never said a word. Your eyes stared through me, trying to communicate in a more intimate way. They never lost their brightness. They never got clouded by my hatred, by my cruelty.  And somewhere along the warm embrace of your hands and the way your eyes forced me to listen to your heart, realisation dawned on me.

The rain started to cease. The last thunder rang around us upon the realisation of how blind I was. I wanted to push you away, realising how unmotivated my cruelty towards you was. Yet your grip got tighter, forcing me to come to peace with the cognizance that in the end, I was walking in circles. Salvation did not hide in the light behind the mist. It was you all along.

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