Categories
2024 – Winter

Children and play area

Author: Kayla Jendly

[Contente Warning: Murder]

This place used to be filled with children’s laughter. If it was sunny, it did not matter. There always were children playing. Chasing one another. Fighting one another. Showing their parents how great they were at being tightrope walkers. They would find the most beautiful rocks that a mom could wish for as a gift. With rain, the children would play with water and soak themselves, jumping in puddles, a smile on their face. And they would smile even more when their mom, desperate from the laundry to come, would scream their name. With the wind, the children would be in the middle of a tempest on a boat, fighting the elements to find the beautiful treasure of friendship. With snow, the children would do epic snowball fights. Friendships would die. Alliances would be created. Betrayal would be committed. With the sun, there would be even more children here, playing, screaming, chasing dragons, saving princesses, catching robbers. Children playing with their imagination. 

But today the play area isn’t filled with children’s laughter anymore. The swing is touched only by the wind, not by dirty little hands. The slide is waiting to be used but no one wants to go on it. The people here today are too old for that. And they are not in the mood anyway. Even if you don’t hear the children’s presence; there are sounds. You hear the birds singing. Well, not as loud as usual. As though even the birds knew that should not happen. That’s the problem. It should not happen, but it has happened. The wind plays with the leaf of autumn with no joy, trying not to make too much noise. As if silence was required. As if silence was the only response to what happened. Leaving the leaves, the wind hurts the yellow tape. They are visible, even through the fallen leaves. The yellow of this tape is aggressive as if it was trying to represent what happened. The tape is a warning. Come closer if you dare. But you won’t leave this place with the same light in you. You will lose something. Come closer if you dare. But at your own risks.

The inspector must come closer. New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Same darkness of humankind. Temperature is colder by the way. Preserves the bodies better. Not the dignity. Preserves the tracks better. Not the pain. New State. Same people looking for the morbid. Close just enough but not too much. Close just enough for the heartbeat to raise. But not too much to have nightmares. Close just enough to take a picture. But not too much to think about your own child waiting for you at the kindergarten. 

The inspector must come closer. New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Before being able to come closer he has to prove his identity. He shows his police card. He is closer. He walks under the yellow tape. The wind plays with them loudly now, as if it screams a warning to the inspector. Do not come closer. The birds, feeling the death, come closer. They want to see. Maybe the humans will forget a piece and the birds will feast. Without the yellow tape and the men in white it could almost be a normal play area. Except for one thing. The body. The little body. The tiny little body. How could it seem so small? It had all its life ahead. But now, it’s just a tiny little piece of meat. The inspector knows he has to find the killer. Otherwise, it will happen again: New town. Same yellow tape. New colleagues. Same darkness of humankind. He does not think his wedding will survive another town. And what about his little blond angel? Who would she choose? Her loving Mom? Her tortured Dad? The inspector comes even closer. The blond hair making a crown to the little body. As a princess sleeping, waiting for her prince to kiss her, but only Death is allowed to kiss her now. The blue coat which was supposed to protect the little angel from the rain did not protect her from death. The blue coat does not hide the blood stains.

The inspector is too hot. It is not his first crime scene with that kind of horror. But this time it is different. A pain in his stomach grows bigger. He really needs to calm down. Maybe that “zen” shit his wife is always talking about could help. He must go see the body with his own eyes. To feel the scene. Be where the killer was. He just stands there, waiting for the men in white to finish their job. So he can come closer. Always closer. Be the closest.

The sign. He can come closer. Always closer to the truth. With each step, the pain in the stomach grows bigger. How can he stop this feeling? Even with the yellow tape, he can feel the crowd of people. Now the journalists should be here. They’re a problem too. So many things to think about, to do before he can go home to his wife and little blond angel.Now he is close enough. Now he sees what is wrong. Now he sees what the problem is. Now he knows, he knows this little blond angel. Maybe the question: who would she choose doesn’t matter anymore.

Categories
2024 – Winter

Literature, Swiss-American différance & Jacques Derrida: An Interview with Boris Vejdovsky

Authors: Nicole Hlavova, Sophie Buhler and Giulia Massy

… this interview took place following our class with Boris on Derrida and deconstruction so we hope you enjoy all of the Derridean references! …

Nicole: Hello! Thank you for agreeing to do the interview!

Boris: Thank you.

N: So to start off, could you tell us a little bit about yourself, where you’re from and how long you’ve been at the University of Lausanne?

B: Oh my god, a long time, a long time. I’m originally from a country that no longer exists, Czechoslovakia. Like you.

N: Yes.

B: I was born in Prague so my mother tongue is Czech and then I lived in a number of countries including Tunisia, North Africa, France, and Switzerland most of my life, but I spent a good amount of time in the U.S. especially for my graduate studies at the University of California at Irvine, where I, at the time, already met Agnieszka. We were both students there at the time, and she too then came to Switzerland, and we became colleagues and that sort of thing. So yeah, I’ve been for more than 20 years now at the University of Lausanne, but at the same time, I feel that I’ve always been from many different places. And so what appears to be a rather stable and fixed position, is really more multifaceted than it seems. I teach in English at a francophone university, with a central European background, so all these things produce a mixture.

N: So since being at the University of Lausanne is there anything that stands out in comparison to other places you’ve studied or worked?

B: Well most of my teaching I’ve done in Switzerland, a few gigs in France, a gig or two in the U.S., but most of the time it was in Switzerland. Not only at Lausanne, but also at other Swiss universities. Not exactly all of them, but near all of them, I suppose, Geneva, Neuchâtel, Bern, Fribourg.  So, I never taught in Zurich or the Ticino part, but in a number of places and it had to do with part time jobs that I held because academy, not just in Switzerland but in Switzerland in particular, it is rather an adventurous career, not always, but, you often go from one precarious job to another precarious job until you land a serious position. Not always, but very often it’s like that.

Sophie: You said you were a student at a Californian University. How do you find that is compared to being at university? Well, I mean you’re teaching here…

B: Right, right, right. Absolutely. Let’s see, in the U.S. system when you go to the university, you really go to the university in that you live on campus, you really sever the umbilical cord to family and place and friends. So it’s really this very formative episode in people’s lives. Having spent much time in Europe, to me, it was not cutting the umbilical cord, but certainly a very different experience living with people who all of a sudden were living independently. I’d had that feeling before, but it was their first immersion in that sort of life. So that’s one aspect. The other thing is that I went to grad school at UCI and my fellow students there had a very clear idea of where they wanted to go. Academia in the U.S., at least way back then, was much more professional than in Switzerland. It was thought of as a profession. Whereas given my generation and where I grew up, the university was not primarily a profession. It was primarily a place of higher education, of learning, of passing on that learning from one master to their students, you know, I mean, in a predominantly male ambience at the time, it was also the initiation by a master. If it so happened that you became a professional, well, you sort of became a professional, you know, I mean, par la force des choses, as they say, if you hung in there for long enough to, as it were, to become part of the system. Whereas there was an intentionality in the Anglo-American system that at the time wasn’t so present here. It’s changed. I think it’s part of the ethos here too, now. But thirty years back it wasn’t the case. Thirty years back, my fellow students there had a very clear idea of what they wanted to do. I mean their advisors were not only intellectuals and academic advisors, they were also professional advisors. So typically you would write the Ph.D. under the supervision of someone who would say, “you need a chapter on Conrad here because in the next five years there’s going to be openings in this or that field and they’ll need someone who has something on Conrad.” So there was strategic thinking which has since then made its way, its inroads, here, though not as much as in the U.S. at the time. That was certainly the main difference to me is if you studied something, it had to have a purpose for doing so.

S: Well, that’s quite nice and reassuring, I guess, in a way to study something for a purpose.

B: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

S: Is there anything you prefer about the U.S. in comparison to Switzerland or vice versa?

B: I like the mobility of the U.S. I like the flexibility of the system, much as I dislike part of this intentionality. I also admire the career-oriented education you get. It’s by no means easy to make it in the U.S. but because of the flexibility, because of the professional impetus, dedication, hard work, and of course luck and that sort of thing, it makes it possible for people to move around. So I do like that. What I like about Switzerland is exactly the contrary thereof. I like the, if you will, old style of what’s remained, what remains of it, the humanities. That is, the possibility of studying things in a much more open way. Well, like with the class on Derrida we’re doing, right? We’re in an English Department that enables us to do that without sticking to disciplinary and or period classes. I’m an Americanist, I love to teach Melville and Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath, but I’m happy that I am not confined to having to do that year in, year out. So I like that. The other thing I like about Europe is the politics. Yeah. Wink, wink. But not just in recent years. I think that, to say it very simply, there’s a way of being middle class in Europe, which gives you a lot of freedom, which you don’t have in the U. S.. It’s very difficult to live with a lot of freedom in the U.S. and be middle class, where, even if you don’t live from pay check to pay check, you’re still pretty limited. You really have to make it into the next level to have the privilege of freedom and mobility that you have here. So yeah, in terms of contrast, that would be that, I think.

N: We’ve noticed in class you’re very comfortable switching between English and French. So we were wondering what languages you can speak?

B: I speak six languages.

N: Oh, wow.

B: Czech is my mother tongue, and then French, English. I live in a Francophone environment and I learned French as a child and as an adolescent. English, German I acquired because of schools. And then I learned Italian and Spanish, one because I needed one to get into the university, to get a degree, and the other I started learning by traveling and then I earned a degree in Spanish as well. So I move amongst languages, but deconstruction is more than one language, as we all know. But joke aside, I think that moving amongst languages is also moving amongst ways of looking at things. [to Giulia] And I think, well, you’re blessed not to be in the Derrida class, but we see that as you shift from one language to another you make possibilities appear, things that are lost or gained in translation. I think that even if we’re monolingual, we constantly translate. And if you speak more than one language, which is, by the way, one of the things that I really like about teaching in Europe, that people are so multilingual—which is quite remarkable. You can’t appeal to that sort of, if not knowledge, at least consciousness of languages when you teach in the U.S. You can’t. They don’t know the languages. It’s not their fault, but that’s the way it is.

N: I wanted to ask this just because I was curious, but since you can speak Czech, do you read much Czech literature?

B: I don’t.

N: Or research it?

B: No. I never conducted any research at all. I read a little bit. I’m a slow reader altogether, but it’s worse in some of these languages. German and Czech are the worst for me in terms of speed and fluency. Even though Czech is my mother tongue, I never went to school, I don’t have any formal training in Czech, so it’s very difficult for me. And so I read Kundera in Czech, I read Čapek, I read a few authors but I don’t read much in Czech. I read newspapers, magazines, stuff like that. I’m perfectly fluent but with a somewhat limited vocabulary and my grammar is hilarious. [to Nicole] Do you write Czech?

N: Only texting my grandparents, so that’s the same for me.

B: And I’ll tell you what, I learned a lot of Czech from texting because if you put the spell checker, you have the distinction between trvdý y, měký I, for instance, which says nothing to most people, but it’s basically the distinction between the final y and the final i in Czech [the distinction between two spellings of the same sound in Czech, a particularly difficult grammatical rule]. That’s one of the tricky things, but the spellchecker will tell you, so little by little you learn. Whereas I would do that randomly; my relatives said I wrote the most hilarious letters ever because my Czech was so inventive.

N: Yeah, I never read it either, but I speak it with my grandparents. That’s how I picked it up.

B: Okay, well, that’s pretty good. That’s pretty good.

N: It is, all the accents are a bit confusing.

B: Oh, the diacritics in the Czech is ridiculous. Yeah. Absolutely ridiculous.

S: So… what are your main academic interests?

B: Oh, my gosh. Where do I start? It’s actually a very interesting question. My primary training is in literature. So I’m interested in fiction, poetics. This has brought me to things we were talking about in class today, that is, the possibility of fiction and what fiction means, and so that has triggered a whole series of theoretical interests which have included deconstruction, psychoanalysis, postcolonial studies. I mean all these theoretical aspects that stem from the performative aspect of language, language as something that produces whatever it is that we call “reality,” including the reality of ourselves. So, strangely fiction has brought me to that. And I think that originally I became an Americanist because American literature seemed to pose certain epistemological questions that, at least at the time when I was an undergraduate and then a graduate student, seemed to have disappeared from the canon of French or English literature where Shakespeare was Shakespeare and you were there to basically learn it by heart and admire it and say he was the greatest genius of all times and find all sorts of particulars in the text that constantly reinforced this thesis that from which there was no reason to deviate. Of course, things have changed radically, you know, and I see it clearly, for instance, when I talk to my friend Kevin down the corridor. That’s not the way Shakespeare is envisaged today. But again, what I’m talking about is thirty years ago. When you make those choices, what am I going to do? Thirty years ago, American literature and English departments where American literature was taught were those places of new emerging possibilities where theory was anchored. Theory was emerging in great force in the 80s and 90s and that’s what attracted me. So, my academic interests were shaped by that. By doing things in English departments and then gravitating toward the American aspect of literature, and then the more theoretical possibilities that were more specifically attached to American issues. And so it involved questions of race, questions of gender, questions of sexuality, and when I say race, sex, gender, I mean representations thereof or linguistic production thereof.

Giulia: Can you describe your journey into teaching literature and English culture?

B: As I said, American literature and American studies, for the reasons that I’ve just covered, but also, I suspect because of central European political refugee type of tropism, right, I’m a kid of the Cold War, and so America for my parents was this land out there that fought against communism. Sort of subconsciously, I think that there is a tropism toward things American because of that. As far as I can remember I have reminiscences of things American like movies and music. I learned my English listening to Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and the crooners of the fifties and sixties, my mother was listening to, so I learned my English listening to that. I then learned my French listening to Charles Aznavour. It’s part of the attraction, in addition to then things I think subliminally developed in me even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. But American culture, American literature have always attracted me because they were in question. And I think it is still the case today, I mean possibly more than ever, right now, where the question of what America is, how it is, what sort of construct it is, in Derridean terms, what traces of itself does it leave, and how these traces erase themselves, even as they are produced. That’s the questions that have always fascinated me, and that’s what made me gravitate toward the American world at the time. Nowadays, I think I could just as easily gravitate to other worlds because the theoretical wind that started blowing in the 70s, I was too young then, but then in the 80s and 90s has now swept all the other academic fields so it is uncertain whether I would become an Americanist today. I mean today, 2024! It sounds a little bit like a joke but I’m not sure. I’m a little bit tired sometimes of trying to explain that to people. It’s a little bit painful.

G: And how do your Swiss students usually respond to English literature? Are there any cultural nuances that you find yourself having to explain?

B: Yes, absolutely. I think that being an Americanist in the U.S. you have to spend a lot of time deconstructing American culture for your American students because they’re less multilingual, because they travel less, because they’re less self-aware of their own culture and so on. And so you have to be more critical in the true sense of the word, you have to provide this critical distance. In Switzerland, and Europe in general, I find that you also have to do that, but you also have to—defend is not exactly the word—but explain. Explain that first of all, whatever’s going on right now, and I mean right now but it can be any right now in the last 30 years, there’s always a crisis somewhere in the world in which the U.S. is involved in some disrespectable manner: this is the history of the 20th century, basically. And even before, I mean the 19th-century Panama Canal, and before that, slavery, and before that, relation to indigenous tribes of “America,” and so forth. There’s always some scandal, to say it like that, in which America is involved. So you constantly have to explain that there is more to the U.S. than what meets the eye. In 2024, there is more to the U.S. than Donald Trump, and there is more to the U.S. than some exaggerated form of wokeism, there’s more to it than that. So the difference would be there. In both cases, you need to provide the deconstruction, the critical distance, you need to provide the critique but on this side of the water you also need to say, well, the culture also functions in ways which are not only horrible. It is an imperial culture, so it has all the flaws of imperial cultures. But it is also one of the cradles of democracy, right? Voilà. But as we have seen again today, the possibility of a major conception bears in itself the possibility of the destruction thereof. So, American democracy carries with itself the possibility of its erasure.

S: I see. Can you tell our readers a little bit about what you’re currently working on?

B: I am currently working on a study on the Western in movies specifically. It’s called ‘Framing the American West’ and it’s a study on a very limited number of films where I propose that the symbolic forms of the American Western have contributed to shaping the ethics and aesthetics and the political forms of the nation. Cinema in the 20th century has shaped aesthetics and politics, has given political and aesthetic forms to the nation and has exported those forms to the four corners of the world, thus participating to that movement we call globalization. It’s not the only phenomenon in it, but I contend that the Americanization of the world is in great part due to the so-called soft power of  the U.S.. I don’t think it’s very soft, and the Western plays a role in that. My central analogy is with the invention of other symbolic forms, and that’s of central perspective in the Renaissance, by Alberti in particular who in 1435 formalized central perspective, and as a result, for the next 500 years or so, it was impossible to produce any sort of convincing painting that wasn’t in perspective. When people looked at that, they said, “ah, this is reality.” In other words, and here’s Lacan, 500 years ago: we the West produced a symbolic order in which we have believed to the point of mistaking it for reality. I propose that the American Western has produced something of that order, not primarily with the stories it tells, but with the forms themselves, which have to do with cinema, with movement, and with the possibility of almost endlessly repeating those forms.

S: That’s very interesting.

G: How has living in Switzerland influenced your perspective on the literature you teach or literature in general?

B: I think I would have to go to multilingualism again. It’s a true privilege to work in an environment where people speak at least two languages, but in most cases it’s three or more, and where people also come from increasingly varied backgrounds. Again, those things have changed over time; Switzerland thirty years ago was much more homogeneous than it is today, and I see it in my classes every day. I think that this has been a major influence. Also the fact harkens back a little bit on what I said before, you have to explain certain things and you have to explain them at a level that seems very elementary. At the same time, it reveals a lot to the students, and it would reveal a lot if it were done like that in the U.S. So, in New American Studies, for instance, I talk about the size of the United States which anyone who lives in the U.S. knows to be a big country. But the way you measure the country is very different from how you measure it here, right? So, for instance, if you ask someone how far Bern is from here? What will you say?

G: It’s far.

B: Okay, how far?

G: I don’t know. I’m very bad with distances.

B: Okay, how far is Geneva?

N: I’d probably just explain it like a 40-minute train journey. I look at it in terms of travel time because I’m also quite bad with distances!

B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That’s typically an Anglo-American answer, right? So you say 40 minutes away. If I ask my Swiss students, that’s why I took the liberty of picking on [Giulia], they will say it’s 40 or 60 kilometres away. In the U.S. you’ll never say that. You’ll say it’s a 20-minute drive most of the time, or it’s a two-hour flight, or it’s a five-hour flight. All my friends who live in the Midwest, I say my gosh you live in the Midwest, and they’ll say, but it’s only a two-hour flight to Chicago. You know, that would be your commute to Zurich! So even very basic things such as distance and orientation are very different in Europe or in the U.S.. So, on the one hand, you have to explain that to students who will never say I live 20-minutes north of here. No Swiss student will ever say that. I mean I know there’s flying fish (but flying does not define fish, usually) so maybe someone will maybe say that one day, but nobody here says that usually. And if you live here you can explain that to people and all of a sudden you make very important things appear about the culture you’re teaching. I’m working on the American West, the whole notion of East, West, and North, and South in the U.S. has political meaning. The American South: that’s not the direction, that’s not the geographical direction, that’s a political direction. North is a political direction. East and West are political directions. So, if I teach this here I can show it and I make something appear which—I hope—will be of interest to students learning about the culture.

N: We were also wondering if you had any other sort of interests or academic interests outside of literature and English?

B: My partner asked me the other day what I thought comparative literature was, so I tried to explain to her what was usually meant by it. What it usually means is literature in more than one language which in Switzerland is a little bit strange since literature is always in more than one language, but it makes perfect sense in very monolingual countries such as France or the U.S.. And so it very soon appeared to me that any literature was comparative, that literature can only be comparative, but also that disciplines are comparative. And so yes, I say I teach literature, but really I also speak of psychoanalysis and of zoology and of technology and, an anecdotal example, I taught ILA before my class. I taught Shakespeare Sonnet 130, ‘My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun’, and that sort of thing. He says, ‘Mistress breath reeks’ and I was taking students to task about that. I think you cannot read this line without talking about what it means to smell good and smell bad. What does it have to do with desire? But then what do we call a bad smell? So, yes, I am interested in things that have strictly nothing to do with “literature.” So, for instance, I’m interested in what a bad smell is. I was half joking because I joke, but I always have joked. I was asking them who ate cheese? I got lucky: nobody was lactose intolerant. Everybody ate cheese in the room so everybody put up their hands and said Gruyère and I said, okay, now eliminate the Gruyère, keep the smell. How does it smell? It smells bad. It smells horrible. Right? The smell of cheese without the cheese is like taking your shoes off after a long day! It stinks. It reeks. Right? Voilà. What does it mean? It means that when I say that I teach literature it really means that in order to teach literature, whatever is known as literature, you need to be interested at least a little bit and you need to know at least a little bit about almost everything. Almost everything. You don’t need to be a physicist and you don’t need to be a biologist and a medical doctor. But you need to know something about it, and the more you know the better, of course. But the wider your span of interest is, the better I think can your understanding of the text be. But even more importantly, I think, the better you can possibly grasp for something that will help others read. Something, by the way, I find fascinating in Derrida. The way he jumps from one field of expertise to another. It’s fascinating. Deleuze is worse. I mean worse or better in the sense that one moment you’re reading about insects, the next moment you’re reading about cybernetics, and the third it’s about Lacan, and after that it’s psychoanalysis. It just moves organically from one to the other. So I don’t think I’m an expert on anything but I think I have a flexibility that enables me to follow different paths and I found that helpful in my teaching and my research and hopefully others have too.

N: Yeah, I think that’s one of the things I’ve always found I’ve enjoyed about literature overall is that you do touch on so many different subjects.

B: That’s right, absolutely. Next year I’m doing a class I’ve always wanted to do, so next year I’m doing it: it’ll be a whole year on Melville. Two semesters on Melville only. One of the novels is inevitably going to be Moby-Dick, which is, in itself, an encyclopaedia about how not to catch a whale, right? The array of things he touches upon, from metaphysics to religion to capitalism to cytology to homoeroticism to power relations to tyrants to sea navigations to parts of a ship, is almost infinite Of course you can say, oh, well, it’s all a metaphor, okay? What have you learned? I mean, what is the point of writing a 800-page books if it’s all a metaphor? Uh, you might as well not read it at all.

N: Is that next semester or next academic year?

B: It’s next academic year.

G: How do you keep your own passion for literature alive? Are there any works you return to for inspiration?

B: I apologize for the cliché, but teaching helps me immensely. Having to respond to the call, because it is a call, you see, and every year I’m called upon to teach, and I must respond. I must be responsible for my class, and under the injunction of that call, I respond. I think that if nobody called on me, maybe I would lose it. I’m not sure but I’ve always suspected that if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. And it’s not only because I’m lazy. I think that it depends on this ethical injunction. So, of course, you guys don’t call upon me directly. You call upon me because il faut bien aller quelque part. But at the end of the day, you’re in the classroom and I’m responsible for the class. And so I respond. I think it’s this ethical injunction which I think is contained in literature itself. All these books here [on the bookshelves behind us] are completely insignificant unless someone opens them because they’re all calling, crying out, to be read. Many of them will never be read which means that some of them will be forgotten. Hundreds of thousands of books have been written in the world that will never be read. Voilà. But that’s ethics of reading you see, that’s ethics. So what keeps my passion alive is that. It’s this ethical injunction. I read because I cannot not. Which, I think, is a definition of ethics. An ethical act is that which you cannot not do.

G: How do you think living in Switzerland has shaped you as a teacher and a reader?

B: Well, I think in the ways that I have mentioned before and I also mentioned the politics earlier. At this university and this department in particular, we have a wonderful amount of freedom which comes with responsibility and I think that this conjunction of liberty and responsibility is what makes this ethical response possible because if the request is so stringent and so strict that you can only answer then it’s not a response. I’m very Derridean in my response, but it’s your fault! My response is only a response insofar as the possibility of not responding exists. I only act ethically, I seek to act ethically only insofar as it is possible for me, at least theoretically, not to do so, and that’s a condition that’s only possible if you are at liberty to do that, right? If someone puts a gun to your head and said, okay, you’re teaching Moby-Dick, then you’re teaching Moby-Dick. In Lacanian terms it would be a reaction rather than a response. If you must, you can only react. But if I say something to you guys, you respond, either phatically by nodding or by smiling. You respond. That’s part of the ethical exchange, which you have sought and persevere in seeking, and that is only possible within the parameters of freedom, right? Taking you as an example, you’re doing this [interview] as a free will act, right? But you’re investing your time in that because in some mysterious way, you cannot not do it, but theoretically you could. You’re here this afternoon, whereas you could be playing tennis or sipping tea with your friends, because you responded to this very mysterious call. Sorry for making it so mystical, but it’s something of that order.

N: So just one final thing, Sophie and I haven’t been in Switzerland for very long, and you’ve been here for a little while now, so we were just wondering if there were any places in Switzerland you’d recommend visiting or like favourite places you’ve been to?

B: Ah, it’s interesting. I have been here for a long time but I’ve always travelled a lot. Not just because of my curriculum vitae but also because I’m of a generation for whom travel was part of what made you as an individual. Again, I’m a kid of the Cold War, but I’m very close to the Beat generation, people like that, for whom being on the road had meaning in itself. So I travel a lot and I tell people, I live in, teach in Switzerland and you get somewhat bemused reactions from people. Either ignorance, many people know absolutely nothing about Switzerland, including its geographical location or they know the classic clichés about the watches, the cows, and the chocolate. Beyond that you get a sort of almost spiteful reaction. “Oh, Switzerland, how boring, how annoying. You know, what a stupid place to live. I mean, especially considering that you’re three hours away from Paris. Why don’t you live in Paris?” I never found Switzerland boring in the least. Never. So do I have favourite places? I have nothing but favourite places. Not that I think that they’re all the same but what I like is the différance amongst them. Switzerland keeps differing, you know, you go 20 kilometres and everything changes. Architecture, climate, language, cuisine, religion, mores, everything changes. I mean, a little bit less so today for obvious reasons, but still. So Switzerland is not an extensive, but rather an intensive place, and that’s what I like about it.

N: Perfect, well thank you so much.

S: Thank you so much for doing the interview.

B: Thank you for your patience—thank you.

Categories
2024 – Winter

Sonnet of the Huntress

Author: Amélie My-Linh Dauban

If another tells me, what a woman should be
Sure my mind I will lose – and I have no excuse,
As it would be no use – for that no one would choose
A savage soul like me, untamed and wild and free.


I the hunter he the prey, I’m a storm a fox,
I, who’d rather be loved, not just for my body
But my soul ; I, who’d rather be strong than pretty,
An anomaly, really, quite unorthodox.


Yet I have caught feelings for you, and that flame flashes
Before my eyes. Fearful anguish overwhelms me
This love is like a dagger in my heart, truly
I’ll let it consume me, shall I become ashes.


But first, take my heart and soul and trust, have it all
It’s all yours. Will you be the one to bring my fall?

Categories
2024 – Winter

Phantom

Author: Chloé Leresche

[Content warning: blood and gore depictions, physical injuries, death/death of child]

She tries to cry out, but it is swallowed by the wet and harsh fabric. Her movements too, restrained by the drapes, drowning her in her panicked heat and cold sweat. She has to go find him. She must. He was right there, going into the woods. She fights, her frustrated and desperate groans increasing as she suffocates in the darkness that envelops her, crushes her. She must catch him before he goes. She must save him. He’s so small, the forest is going to eat him. 

The breath leaves her lungs as she meets the ground. For a moment, all is quiet, and only the heavy dark exists above her. There is nothing, and he is not here. Only then does she feel the cold lurking, sliding on her skin as would the embrace of a dead man, biting in her flesh under her sweat. Her son is not here. The gasping breath she takes feels like void filing her lungs, like toxic mist, making its painful way through her insides, to her rotten liver. 

The floor under her is hard, flat, steady. You are not outside. You are not with him. You are just lying there, a miserable, pitiful childless mother. Slowly, she raises her arm, and, as if it was waiting for her to calm down, the drape swipes gently to the ground. Now free, she puts her hand on her stomach. She does not wince under the cold contact of those lifeless fingers; she does not tremble as the cold kisses her all. She lies there for a while, staring at a cold dark that does not look back at her. 

Like a phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she leaves. 

She is awakened by the sun, this time. She sees it through her closed eyelids, feels it warming up hair. Then the sounds come to her, the birds’ distant but beautiful songs and the gentle touch of the leaves dancing in unison. She can smell the moss before even opening her eyes. There is a bit of morning dew on her dress and shoulders, small droplets. Some ants are walking down her bony arm, and there are other insects on her, tickling her, already claiming her body. 

A shadow passes by, behind some bushes, not far. It is quiet and light, innocent. It stops for an instant, and the small head of a young doe appears, framed by the vibrant green leaves. Its curious eyes judge her, body ready to jump and run away, but not too fearful, almost playful, even. For a moment, all is quiet, and only exist the fawn, herself, and the rays of light filtering through the tall trees above. Is this what the medieval poets envisioned, speaking of virgins and unicorns in clearings? The fawn spooks and runs. 

Like a phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she follows. She sees him from afar; frail silhouette standing before the cliff. The wind will catch him, it will grab his young limbs and throw him to his death. She calls him, yells, cries out, but the wind grabs her words, laughs at it and brushes it away. She runs, but the wind pushes back, not even bothered by her, not anything. He does not hear her, and she can only watch as the wind takes her son’s hand gently and whispers to him: “Fly.”. 

She opens her eyes in a gasp that is not quite hers. Completely still. For a moment, all is quiet, and only exists the blue of the sky above and the mocking laughter of the wind. 

She feels her crushed bones, her bleeding organs, her ribcage intertwined with her son’s, his bones puncturing her lungs. She found him, she’s happy. The wind got them, it’s happy. 

A phantom, she gets up, and quietly, she disappears. 

Categories
2024 – Winter

“Shall Statues Overturn?”

Author: Anonymous

I have been thinking of museums of the mind and of the art in my head. 

When I looked this morning at those pristine buildings with marble statues, I was faced back with a sort of blankness. As if every colour on a palette had been mixed and created a white of the purest kind, where one would have expected brown to appear. 

The statues were in a row. Two pairs of two, flanking the sides of the front facade. They acted as columns, supporting the weight of the entire roof upon their shoulders. What dignity, what pride, what strength… what made them bear it all so easily? Was it their doubling, the fact that they could see themselves physically in someone else? 

Would I be surer of myself, if I had such a presence to affirm my own existence? 

But, then what… obsessed with my own image, a Narcissus of some sort? No, becoming a flower was decidedly not the aim, though it would not be the most disagreeable fate of all. 

And oh, to be a tree… like statues, immobile. But they spoke if you knew how to listen. I used to talk to a tree in my schoolyard as a child, and she talked back. I cried all the tears in my body when they cut her down.

They would not cut down these statues, I thought. Monuments were built to last. Not like little children’s dreams.

Below those statue columns, I saw a mother and her son on the left and a man holding a sword on the right. As stoic as stone, he was every virtue personified.

And the mother?

She was smiling, seeming happy. “’ Seeming’, Madam? Nay, it is”

Was she happier than the statues of the Virgin Mary? In her quiet, unknown love, not one of public property – not placed in cathedrals and sung to, nor on little altars in Italian houses. Standing on a tall facade, looked at, but rarely talked to. 

Who would talk to statues anyway… they’re all dead. 

But shall they overturn, shall they rise? I would like to hear them speak, of faraway lands and of languages long extinguished. Would they even be bound by our time? 

Just like Adam and Eve were born of clay, we could become statues when we die. Not in the way the so-called “great men” do. Not in a cold, dead way. We could be of cracked stone, and smile to the wind, and let the birds sit on our shoulders. We could then whisper to the people passing by words of wisdom, and give them a little luck, for their lovelorn lives. 

Yes, I have been thinking of where museums begin and where they end, and I now think I know. I shall whisper it in your ear, somewhere, sometime, soon. 

Images: ©️ Anonymous author
Images: ©️ Anonymous author

Images: © Anonymous author

Categories
2024 – Winter

No Return Flight

Author: N.R.

It was a warm autumn day as I made my way through the bustling streets. Humming a slow tune, I saunter towards my next stop. 

How long has it been since we last came here together, hand in hand? The laughter we once shared, echoes in my ear as I push the door open. The strong yet welcoming scent of ground coffee beans fills my nostrils. I find myself gravitating towards a well-lit display of carefully curated delights. 

The owner greets me from his place behind the counter.

“It’s good to see you again! Did life get busy?” he asks. 

“Yes. Things just have a way of building up in such a short time. Had to take some time off.” I offer as an answer. 

As we continued to make small talk, I could not help but feel a twinge of sadness. It wasn’t long ago that we were here sharing desserts and sipping on drinks.  Now here I am. Alone. 

I make my order and head for an empty table. I watch as people trickle into the café, laughing amongst themselves. At a nearby table, friends are passionately talking about the places they plan to visit. As their chatter continues, my mind starts to drift, as it often does these days. 

Floating through clouds, I find myself remembering our last few discussions. Unlike before, your eyes now held the look of someone who had given up. No longer were we sharing the same goal of reaching destinations we once gushed about.

Refusing to let the delays fill my heart with despair, I strapped myself in, determined to fight for both our dreams. I would have done anything to keep hope afloat. If your air mask malfunctioned, I would have given you mine without a thought. I wanted to be the one to bring you to safety.

We made it through several turbulences before our final plane made a sudden drop in altitude, forcing me to come to terms with my worst fear. The denial was spilling through the cracks of my foundation. 

It took our last transit for me to understand that nothing could keep you from making the wrong turn. You kept adding luggage that could not be repacked and continuously refused assistance from help counters along the way. 

I had lost sight of my own plans and itinerary. Standing at that terminal, I made up my mind. 

It was time for me to put myself first and book a flight of my own. Like any other passenger, I deserved a trip where my choices were not restricted or forced to compromise. 

It took several errors and frozen screens, but I made it to my new boarding gate. 

There was no looking back. No last calls to make. 

Suddenly, my ears feel a popping sensation as I hear my name being called. I stand up and make my way to the front. The owner, having wrapped everything nicely, gave me my to-go bag. 

“Don’t wait too long to come back! Why don’t you bring that friend of yours with you next time!” a courteous smile on his face. 

“I will! Have a nice day!” I replied. A few seconds later, I was on my way. I pondered over my plans for the afternoon. 

With no surprise, I reorganized my thoughts back to a few minutes ago. Will there be a time when we visit the café together, like before? How soon could that be? 

Probably not right away. It’s too late to take a return flight to your side. For now, there are no more connections to make, given that the borders are to remain on lockdown.

Perhaps it was for the best that we ended up at different terminals. 

It leaves the possibility of finding a different way, back to each other. After all, we all started off as strangers.

Nothing is stopping us from creating a new and improved flight connection together. Till then…

                                                          –     Ready for Take Off      –

Categories
2024 – Winter

Ask-the-Students: If You Could Go Back in Time and Talk to Your Past Self, What Would You Tell Them?

Image: © Roger Ce, Unsplash License, Source.

MUSE asked students to anonymously submit their opinions* on what what they would tell to their past-self. Here are the answers we got from them! Some are sweet, some are the harsh truth and some just good advice.

Conclusion: there is hope and there is light at th end of the tunnel and don’t hesitate to ask for help!

You’re gonna get through the dark times!

*Replies have been edited for clarity.


You found the right person for you.

Be more gentle with yourself, and understand that just because you do someone a favour you cannot expect the same in return or you will continously be disappointed. We are all different.

Do not apologize to people who disrespect you and don’t care about you!

Don’t be too hard on yourself!

You will meet people along the way.

Keep the good memories and don’t be sad to see people go; sometimes it’s for the best.

Letting go doesn’t mean the end, but the start of something new.

Hey! It’s gonna be okay!

You’ll be fine. It’s hard right now but you will make it through.

You’re gonna be awesome!

Don’t lose your iPad!

You’re gonna be able to talk to people and they probably won’t kill you if you hang out with them.

The thing you’re experiencing is anxiety, go talk to a therapist for the love of God!

Stop comparing yourself to others! It’s harmful to your mental health and well being. No one is perfect or has everything figured out. This will make it easier to progress in your life!

Do NOT erase the entirety of your computer accidentally! (This is higly specific, and yet the only thing going through my mind right now).

Nothing. I don’t want to risk changing something and not ending up where I am now. I quite like my life as it is. Maybe I’d ask her to go talk to that one girl though.

Categories
2024 – Winter

From his prison of a mountain

Author: CZ

From his prison of a mountain, he watches us.
He watches us as we march in the streets towards our future,
He watches us as we wreck the Mending Walls into a bridge,
He watches us as we crack the codes of propaganda’s game,
He watches us as we cry for our brothers and sisters around the world,
He watches us as we tear off the chains around our voices,
He watches us as we see past the glamour of fae
celebrity,
He watches us as we scream a NO! into the
cycle of hurt,
He watches us as we reveal the hoax
of the Dream,
He watches us as we set free
the conditional of love,
He watches us as we
get up from the bed of
conformity,
He watches us
as we carry his fire,
He
watches the
eagle recoil in
fear,
From
his prison of a
mountain,
Prometheus
descends.

Categories
2024 – Winter

In The Water

Author: Anonymous

It is always the places that can so easily overpower me that somehow make me feel at peace. The mountain that could so easily isolate me, the snow that could so easily freeze me, the water that could so easily swallow me up. As unpredictable as these places can be, they remind me that I am a part of something bigger and that my existence relies on my surroundings. I am at their mercy. Whether it is walking through the snow, the flakes crunching beneath my feet, through a trail in the woods, on a mountaintop, or swimming through the water, the silence in these places is loud and full.

Instinctively, I would say that the land that means the most to me is up in the mountains or by the lake. There is something about the mountainous lakeside that is so very Switzerland, that is so very me. Despite being born abroad and only in Switzerland by chance, the Swiss landscapes have become an integral part of my identity. With countless hours spent hiking, skiing, and relaxing by the lake, it would be a lie to say that this environment has not shaped me. The place I visit the most, however, is the lakeside. In the summertime, the lake’s glittering surface is reminiscent of all the good that the world has to offer—the light reflecting off the rippling water, a perfect image of hope. The mountains surrounding the body of water bring a sense of peace that the often-revered seaside does not. The lake-side peace is accompanied by the cheerful chatter of people around me, no doubt relaxing after their busy days. A summer day by the lakeside helps me feel grounded. The grass beneath my legs as I sit, the rocks under my feet as I climb over them to reach the water, the sun burning my skin; the land envelops me, welcoming me into its world. Making me not just a part of the world but a part of nature, too. The gentle, rhythmic lapping of the waves, the splashing of the swimmers, and the chirping of the birds quiet my endless thoughts.

The lakeside is, however, not always entirely peaceful. The turbulent surface crashing on the lakeside rocks during a summer storm reminds me just how powerful the water can be.

The muted blue of the storm clouds and the splashing of the waves – always so much higher than I could ever imagine – remind me that nature is not always forgiving. It reminds me that being part of nature means that I owe it my respect in return. If I do not treat my surroundings as they deserve to be treated, if I act bigger than I am, I will be reminded of just how insignificant my day-to-day can be. Watching the angry lake fight the sharp rocks and the birds take cover reminds me that my daily anxieties and obsessions are not a finality. That the world goes on beyond my internal storm. A storm, which I witness mirrored in front of me as the forces of nature war against one another. The storm I watch, with thunder crashing around me and the water roaring, though, subsides. This shows me that no matter how angry, or how turbulent, the sun will always shine through the clouds. Both in nature, by the lakeside, and in its reflection in my soul.

Upon reflection, though, the place where I feel most at peace is not only the lakeside but also in the water. I am unsure what it is about the water that makes me feel so at home in it. Whether it is that I grew up swimming, or if it is the endless possibilities it offers, the water has always welcomed me. It doesn’t come without its apprehensions, the water. I can feel its power, its ability to throw me around, the total darkness and disorientation as soon as my head goes under. The eternal tightening in my chest causes a sense of urgency almost immediately. But as soon as I open my eyes, as soon as I see the pale green blurriness of the lake water around me, the bright light shining through the surface, and the almost eternal expansion of blue, I feel in control. My body allows me to appreciate my surroundings – albeit for a limited time – before the breathlessness makes itself known once again and forces me to resurface. To regain strength before I can dive again. Before I can delve back into this wonderfully unfamiliar world.

While many speak of the terror of the depths of the waters, the endlessness has always fascinated me. These depths that are so often equated to anxiety almost always make my grounded life feel two-dimensional. In the water, I am no longer bound by gravity. In the water, I become capable of exploring the dimension all around me, rather than being limited to observing from afar. In the water, I can fly. It allows me to feel everything that I look for in sports, but in water, I am no longer at the mercy of the apparatus. I no longer need to swing, I no longer need to race towards a trampoline or ski through powder to feel weightless. To explore the true potential of the world’s three-dimensionality. In the water, I can be everywhere, and I can be nowhere.

In the water, everything slows down. My surroundings, my movements, and my thoughts. In the water, I am free of all my earth-bound responsibilities. I get to feel the cold currents wrap themselves around my legs without having to fit into society’s glass slipper. In the water, my hair flows around my face, never weighed down by the air’s dryness, its pressure. In the water, I am free.

Categories
2024 – Winter

TELEPATHIC SHOCK & EXCITEMENT

Author: H.S

In my life I’ve seen many peoples and have been to many places, but I’ve never been to a place with as many people as the Fête des vendanges in Neuchâtel.
I must try and carefully chose my words, and hope through telepathic shock & excitement you see in your mind the exact ekphrasis of it:
From far away, from my white 2000s apartment complex which dominates the city scraping the black sky at night up above, you can hear in the thick coarse foggy night the festival calling.
The city becomes unrecognizable – the entire old city center, pedestrian, gets swallowed in a black mass of people like black petals of chocolate in dough – stands are erected, tents, stages for music, food stands of all nationalities vying for the odorous control of the streets –

The stands!
Each political party has their stand selling the ever-present democratic beer – you can see the left & right wing and the drunks who made it their civic duty to go back & forth trying to decide politically who’s got the best beer – the results of these great inebriated deambulations will influence the next election.
The green stand of the UDC Green-clad in their traditional Swiss clothing, blue jeaned & behatted, but too expensively wrist-watched and smelling of expensive cologne, making them seem like insurers and accountants mascarading as working class.
The blue-clad liberals looking like economics & business students, just slightly too neat for the bacchanal of the streets before them.
The socialists, red-clad motley crew with colorful posters all over the wall of the stand – Tattooed cool cats and the only women serving.
The communists not here this year. But I remember once in La-Chaux-de-Fonds they served Sagres or SuperBock which are THE working-class Portuguese beer.
And you have to shout to order because of the insane tittle-tattle of speakers –

Listen! the whole of Latin-America blasting their enchiladas with decibels which I assume adds flavor – giving the tortillas tinnitus.
Greasy American grub, and here and there the gentrified hipster vegan burger that coast 25 bucks with no fries which costs extra.
Afro-beats ringing in backstreets, for they have the worst locations – but shoulder-to-shoulder they dance, the drunk red-faced Swiss passers-by and the black Swiss busting out moves for their families and friends.
All of this just under windows of the old city center – old crones crowned above waiting at their balconies for 10pm sharp – they shout that the music should stop but they keep pushing it to later and later but the police is coming! A stampede on those backstreets broke my nose one year!
Rock bands playing live at big venues which blocks the arteries of streets like cholesterol does the heart of man.
Jazz joints at the periphery, near wooden temporary chalets in which you get local absinthe, the green gold whose drops are mined from the Val-De-Travers – the green fairy, who watches over all of us in this canton and we love her.
Chiller atmosphere there, more mature – the jazz bands are playing for 50 years old dads and moms who let their children roam around the crazy night.
The rap stage! Usually the main plaza is home to the buzz of buses, busy bees yellow-painted in my memories and following their comrades through the streets, but this weekend is the festival’s and so the buses must go.
So the rap stage in the middle of it and DJ blasting the latest American trends – and if you wanna see fights you go there.
Once I saw a woman dragging another by the hair while she herself was getting hammer-punched in the face repeatedly by another dude – that’s where you go to get punched in the face.
And the main stage and stand – in the middle of the middle of the heart of the heart of the center of the center of the city – right by the public library unrecognizable and unseen behind the huge stage that’s in fact three smaller stages linked together and interrupted by bars, and that’s where they blast (quote) classic (unquote) tunes that everybody knows and in drunken revelries sings with no effort put in harmonies or pronunciation or in fact volume.
Everyone SCREAMING not singing – arms interlocked and dancing a mad cadenza – songs by groups like Indochineeverybody singing the lyrics –
The bar underneath the stage besieged between tunes – and the DJ expertly doing whatever, here a classic, then a pop-song, then reggaeton, back to known tunes, and so on and so forth – the music blasting everywhere at everyone, your chest vibrates from the bass, your heart feels trapped in its cage as the ribs shake and shatter and you feel the music physically booming in your heart.

And the funfair! while the west and center of the old town are blackened and moisten by beer-&-wine drinkers & pukers, in the east you have the funfair –
The colorful light bulbs dotting the attractions which get lost in the air and bedazzles the water during the night –
The funfair is just above the harbor so you see the dark mass of the lake interrupted by fog which makes it a sea of darkness, but before the wall of clouds that darkens the night you have the many-jeweled water and its rainbow reflection of the funfair –
The water in the dark, slimy and gooey, captures the light voraciously.
The funfair with its unimpressed and bored looking Romani people talking French with impenetrable accents, nodding their head “no” to 8 yrs old children when they ask if they can still get a small prize if they missed the target by so little?
Grimy, dirty, colorful, gaudy – good fun but watch your pockets!
Churros covered in Nutella passing by in children’s hands, you just smell the fragrance and you go get one too –
Couples trying to win the big unicorn or dolphin plushy at a rifle stand –
The clerk is surrounded by the terrible beasts of the jungle, all fuzzy and cute –
The teenagers drunk on Smirnoff ice and Malibu screaming obscenities and being boisterous at the boxing arcade machine, challenging each other to punch harder that the last –
one of them hits the bag with his head and they scream laughing –
Another uses his elbow –
“Wow I got 8000 points” “Ah yeah? Well, I just got 8200, pussy!” “Ah yeah? I’ll show you!” and they spend coin after coin trying to beat each other.
Cotton candy flying in the wind as children lose control of it, or lose it to the drizzle that diminished the calm.
I had great sad dates after the Fête des vendanges had ended at the funfair, when everyone is gone and the weather is gray and the wind is blowing and the sad reflection on the thick puddles breaks your heart but you heal it with grease and cinnamon.

So many things I’ve not talked about!
The way the evangelical church on the street that leads to the train station tries to evangelize the drunkard rats of the night by giving them orange juice and sandwiches –
The way you see so much blood, vomit, sperm, shit, and all other human fluids spilling in the streets but everybody wallows in pig-like happiness –
The way you lose your wallet –
The way your ears ring –
The way you’d make out with four people you don’t know (with tongue) just because they liked the way you danced –
The way you’d be drunk one night to the point of not remembering and still go the next morning to get a caramel crepe –
The way that on Saturday night people from other cantons come and that’s when you can see knife fights by the fog-lost lake –
The way you see children, as young as thirteen binging for the first time and staggering along with their friends one on each side – getting their first binge first kiss first love first heartbreak first puke and first pickpocket –

The way you see & lose everybody there every hour or so, going to a stand with one group of friends, seeing your parents on the way, losing your friends, seeing your high-school sweetheart with her friends and hanging out with them, meeting a bunch of cool Frenchmen and dance, losing them too, meeting a girl and making out, losing her to the great sea of people, seeing your initial friends finally at 2 AM by the kebab stand eating and going back to do it all over again!

THAT’S IT! The Fête des vendanges, but you have to live it with wine in your belly, music in your feet, beer in your hand, and stars in your eyes.

Categories
2024 – Winter

All the Colours in My World

Author: Leah Didisheim

Orange. That’s the first colour I think about. But not this bright industrial, lifeless orange. This natural autumnal orange. Then perhaps blue, green and yellow. These are not even my favourite colours. And yet, they have to be the most beautiful colours in the world.

It usually starts on an early Saturday morning. Early for a Saturday that is. The drive to go there is long and the breaks too. Well, it really depends on who’s driving the car. My uncle in his Tesla and with his hatred of the too-many-long-breaks that my dad loves gets there before the rest of us. You see, my dad is kinda like me. Well, mostly in the sense that he likes his rituals, his routine and that he dislikes waking up early and hurrying up. So, usually we aim to leave at eight thirty in the morning to pick my grandma up and leave from her place at around nine. Of course, that’s never before my dad patted himself on the back for being so amazing at putting all the suitcases in the trunk as optimally as he did. And then, when we’re all in the car, when you might think “ok, they’re finally starting the trip!”, of course my dad wants to make the first stop after forty-five minutes to have breakfast in the Grauholz. The others stopped wanting to meet there when the food started to be really bad. They never really wanted to go in the first place, it was way too close from home, and only one break in the middle is better. But for my dad, it’s just part of the holidays, so there really is no going without stopping there. There’s no point arguing, I’ve tried, trust me. I always pretend to be grumpy because it means putting my shoes back on, turning off my music, but really, I think seeing him lighting up just because he’s getting his mediocre croissant, chocolate bar and tasteless coffee – and by the way he agrees with the rest of us on the taste – is adorable.

After that, we’re really gone this time. I usually start to doze off right when it’s time for the next break at around one in the afternoon in Heidiland; a place where we are just getting food that’s too expensive. We join the rest of my family sitting at a table, their plates already empty and about to leave, but they were waiting to say hi. So again it’s just me, my dad and my grandma. We can’t realistically have this lunch without my dad complaining about how his röstis aren’t cooked enough but after he had asked the cook to fry them some more about three times he wasn’t going to ask again. And also, it’s so greasy. And not that good. But I couldn’t resist. I should’ve taken a salad. Next time.

It’s about two-three more hours before my heart races again. And that’s usually not counting the yearly argument I have with my dear father about the correct direction to follow. You see, we go there every year. And we have for about twenty years. So, you’d think my dad would know the way by now. But every time, I want him to put the GPS on just to make sure – and I check on my phone anyway when he says no – and every time he assures me that he knows the way. Of course, that’s overlooking every time we almost ended up in Italy by mistake. But the signs are almost invisible, it’s impossible not to make a mistake. Well, the rest of my family must be exceptional then.

But then, the final mountain pass arrives. I recognise every turn. The larches aren’t orange yet, but they will at the end of the week. Even the grey rocks are beautiful to me. At the top of the mountain, there is this tower, somewhat famous and I smile because I already know the story my grandma is about to tell my dad. Yes, this tower, one time François and I went to see a play there. Really? Well, yes really dad, grandma says it every year. I really just say this last bit in my head, though.

Just thirty more minutes. I can almost see the hotel, no; the castle we’ll be staying in. And the blue lake is still there. And the grass, the rainbow forest. And there, there I finally feel like not everything is lost. There, finally, nature is the main character again. Here, I feel warm despite the dry air that makes your throat cough. In a few days, everything will be gold. And that’s how I know everything is perfect again.

My grandma used to come to the same place when she was a child. They know us so well there, it really feels more like home than like a hotel. That’s where my grandma looks happiest since my grandpa died. And I think that’s where I am too. There are only huge windows all around the living room so that it feels like we’re outside.

In the past, when we were just the three generations and not the four we are now, we used to go do what we call Torées. We’d go to the local supermarket to buy meat, bread and chocolate. And in what felt like the middle of the forest for ten-year-old me, one of my cousins starts grilling the meat while other people from my family walk some more, some draw on notebooks near the water, some read. The sky is shining bright. The larches are multiple shades of greens, oranges, yellows and reds. The lake is its bluest self. And as I sit on the rock, facing all of these colours, the sun on my face, my family talking behind me, the smell of warm food getting ready, I am truly and utterly happy. I just feel at peace in a world that usually gives me so much anxiety. There, I can finally recharge. Here, I can finally breathe.

My new favourite activity though – since we stopped the Torées, I had to find a new one – is the horse-drawn carriage. I shamelessly endorsed the role of the paparazzi with my grandma in front of me and my baby cousins that I keep photographing on both my sides. We always ride it to go to the best röstis restaurant higher in the mountain. The rest of my family walks there but I just love the carriage too much to ever stop. This road is right in the middle of the colourful trees with the blue sky right above us. Even the smell of the horses I look forward to.

Finally, I guess my last favourite thing, other than drinking warm tea and eating cake while reading a good book at one of the window tables of the gigantic living room, with classical music in the background, other than debating on what food we’re going to choose from the menu this evening with my uncle, and even other than working for university in the hotel library, is the minigolf we do right behind the hotel, under the trees. I never win and I probably never will, but in the cold nature right here, resting on my golf club – while my cousin shoots her minigolf ball, while my dad and my aunt argue because my dad moved the leaves on the minigolf course after everyone else shot their minigolf ball with the leaves on, which is just so unfair of you frankly. And you always do this. Either we change it for everyone before, or no one changes a thing. Alright, alright, I’ll stop doing it – while the needle-like leaves fall gently from the trees to the rhythm of the wind on my cheeks, I know I won something so much more precious.

I could tell you about everything else. About how when we come back home, so it doesn’t feel like we’ve really left just yet, we have Bolognese spaghettis all together at my uncle’s house. Or about the bird path we go to with the children to feed the birds. Or about how they offer painting lessons there and every Thursday evening the children present their pieces in the corridor that goes to the dining room to show everyone which brightens my heart when I look at my baby cousins’ paintings, just like my parents used to look at my ones when I was little. Or about how my grandpa’s birthday was always close to that week, so we’ve often celebrated his birthday here, including one of his last ones. But in the end, all of these memories, all of these natural colours will always be right here, in these mountains. And that’s really all I need, writing this from my desk at home, with the cold grey rain pouring just outside.

Categories
2024 – Winter

Hurting for People You Don’t Miss

Author: Andreia Abreu Remigio

The first time he invited me to his house, he purposefully did it when his parents weren’t home. I knew it. That was the plan. Weird parents, he said, it’s better this way. I said, okay. How bad could it be, though? I had brought him home to my family after a week of talking, and we slept in the same bed. I had no idea then of how differently we had been raised. I had no idea then that this topic would trigger most of our fights.

I cried that night. Because he got me a record player for Christmas and because their apartment was gigantic. I cried because my home, which my parents had saved up for their whole lives and had completely renovated themselves, felt pathetic in comparison. I got him a plush that I had sewn myself. Shit.

Months later, I met his paternal grandparents. How strange it is to be picked up at the train station by his grandpa, a well-dressed gentleman, in a Mercedes. My avô doesn’t own a car. I don’t think he can drive one. He has untreated dementia now and wets his pants regularly. We got out of the car. The house is beautiful, I thought. But I probably didn’t say it out loud. Overwhelmed. I felt stupid. At lunch, we talked about culture and politics. No one asked about my family. I thought about how my grandparents never finished elementary school. His grandparents have paintings of royalty next to their library. Art books. History books. For them, knowledge is a legacy as much as material possessions. Every time I sit down to dinner there, I am invited into conversations about philosophy, art, or politics. They toss around cultural references and memories of family vacations, turning to me occasionally, eyes bright, to draw me in. It is a warm place, really, and they are always gracious. But I find myself sitting straighter, picking my words carefully so as not to betray my own upbringing. I don’t think my avó can read very well. She has never told me about her own life, but I don’t need to ask anyone to confirm that none of my grandparents have ever been on vacation. 

Back at my grandparents’ place, in a small, rural village, the world is different. Their house, humble and creaky, squished between others, has a tin roof and cracked windows that rattle in the wind. Their walls are adorned with simple trinkets—porcelain animals, faded photographs, calendars from years past. For them, the world is close and immediate. My grandparents work with their hands, waking early to tend to a vegetable garden that provides most of their food. Their knuckles are gnarled from years of working with soil, tending to animals, and fixing what breaks. 

They are the same age as my boyfriend’s grandparents, but they look 20 years older. They never finished school, my grandparents. It wasn’t uncommon where they grew up; education was a luxury for people with means, not something available to farming families with seven or eight mouths to feed. They taught themselves what they could, learned through experience, and kept the family afloat. They know everything there is to know about the land, the seasons, and the history of our village. Ask them about the soil, and they’ll tell you what crops it best yields, which fields drain poorly, and how to coax a good harvest in a dry year. But I was born in another country, where my parents migrated to seek better opportunities. I have nothing in common with my grandparents. 

Today, we’re at his maternal grandmother’s house. His grandfather passed away a few years ago; they were very close. He seemed like a wonderful person. He rescued stray cats—my avó cuts the throats of the chickens she raises, and serves them to me on a plate that has never seen a dishwasher. I watch my boyfriend while he gives me a tour of the place and the tangible memories it holds. The legacy he left behind. But the house has changed since he passed and his wife moved away. My boyfriend’s uncle turned it into a guest house. No one would ever want to sleep in either of my grandparent’s houses. I don’t have anything to cherish from my own family, no deep conversation or passed-on wisdom, no pictures or pieces of furniture. Maybe just the practical tools of a life spent working. Maybe. 

But I still have four grandparents, all alive and doing fine. I’ve never felt a deep connection with any of them, and maybe that’s my fault. I see them once a year, and though I don’t miss them in between, I find myself hurting for them now in a way I never did before. They lived lives of hard work and survival, yet none of the comforts or curiosities my boyfriend’s family enjoys. They never had a chance to explore, to grow old with the luxury of knowledge and leisure. And yet, in their way, my parents broke the poverty cycle and have given everything to give me a future. I know this should fill me with pride, but more often, it just leaves me feeling lost—caught between two worlds I don’t fully belong to, aching for people I don’t quite know how to miss.

There’s an ache I feel when I’m at his family’s table. Sometimes I wonder how it will play out, these two lives we’ve each lived that shaped us in ways neither of us can fully undo. But what I do know is that these different worlds have given us something unique, something special to share with one another, right as we’re about to move in together. His family’s history is written in books and intellectual discourse, while mine is carved into the fields and hands of people who had no choice but to endure. I’m learning to appreciate both now, how places shape people, and how people breathe life into the places they call home. 

Categories
2024 – Winter

Front Row Seats

Author: J. Seeger

[Content Warning: Suicide]

I gesture to the man on the bench. The pointless, albeit polite question ‘Do you  mind if I have a seat?’ He doesn’t respond. I sit, sliding down the contours of the bench. The  picture of contempt. It has been a considerably wet August, and the leaves have fallen  early this year. The smell of rotting plant matter is noxious, but it is a welcome distraction  from the cacophony of modern life. That smell. The tree to my left is an apple tree, its  brown decaying fruit is the most pungent. But there are other smells underneath, the smell  of rain on concrete, the smell of freshly cut grass. 

They say that apples contain trace amounts of cyanide. It’s not enough to kill you  unfortunately. I pondered about selectively breeding apples for higher cyanide content. I would ruminate on these problems as a child.  Amusing myself with how different Sleeping Beauty would be if the apple on the windowsill was the one designed to kill. A ‘Red Deathlicious’. Bad joke”  

Today I wonder if I could feed this poisoned fruit to the man next to me. He is a  businessman, grey suit, blue shirt, top button undone, a spotted tie loosely knotted, he  was drinking a beer. I suppose he didn’t want to go home just yet, he had a wedding band  on his left ring finger. He glances down at it every now and again. I ask myself what his reaction would be if I handed him an apple, how quickly he would bite into it. Cyanide works by inhibiting the  process which makes energy in your cells. It makes you tired, sleepy. You lose coordination and you become dizzy. Your heart rate will slow down. Beat by beat, a slow  creep closer to death. I ponder what would happen if I could eat that poisoned apple. It’s late. I need to sleep. A bench is as good as any bed. 

I wake up just before dawn. My phone is ringing. It’s my secretary. Faithful Jane,  she’s always been on my side. She’s asking me where I am. I tell her I’m at home. I am lying. The bench is still under me. I get up and start walking, she reminds me the car will pick me  up in one hour, she hangs up. Jane is eight years younger than me, but treats me like it’s  the other way around. She looks after me well, in another life we would have been married  by now. My walk to the apartment is short, I am there in seven minutes. I open my door, I  take off my shoes and I carry them to the elevator. My feet are sore. I press the button and  the brushed metal doors open immediately. The elevator’s interior is made of floor to  ceiling mirrors. It makes me feel vulnerable. My shoulders arched forward, the weight  of the world shrugged off. I ask the elevator for the penthouse. The door opens into my  living area and I drop my shoes. My Artificial Intelligence calls my name.“John”, it says. It  asks me if I want some coffee. I tell it to get ready for after my shower. 

My apartment is open plan. My furniture is bespoke, uncomfortable. This apartment  is the tallest building in the city of Geneva, Switzerland. I live on the highest floor. Every  wall is made of glass, at night, I flip a switch and an electric current passes through each pane. The microscopic pigments embedded throughout the glass expand and then my  window on the world closes. The shower is in the corner of the apartment. I take my  clothes off and step in. The AI preheated the water. The water is recycled from the day  before. The rain that filled my nostrils now washes the scum off my back. I hope the next  person who lives here can appreciate the hidden simplistic beauty of this place. I don’t. I’m dressed in my newest suit. I haven’t picked my tie yet. Jane will do that for me. I can see the large armoured car driving down the road, it’s for me. Jane rings. I tell her I’m coming down. I look towards the lake and the mountains. The sun has risen enough for it to be light outside now, the orange glow it casts is at its peak. The lake is a particularly  wholesome sight, in a way the lake is like its own celestial body, the fires of our nearest 

star, captured in the waters of the lake, the two life giving powers in our universe, one  caught in the reflection of the other. I take in that view for what I think will be the last time.  

The elevator is waiting for me. I walk in and look at the mirrors, the shower has  cleaned the superficial filth. But, I can still see the dirt in the cracks. The elevator doors  open and the car is waiting for me. Jane opens the door of the car. She is wearing a grey  suit and a maroon shirt. Her hair is tied back and she is wearing little make-up. She looks  nice. I get in and she climbs in behind me. We drive to the parliament building for my trial. I am hurried into the building out of view of cameras and journalists. This building used to  be home of the United Nations. It is now home to the Pan-Eurasian Coalition, which I was  in charge of. Funny how things change. I am taken to my office, there is a balcony. I take Jane with me, the doors are locked and my guards wait outside. I find it odd that they gave me guards. These people are sentencing me to death. Yet they don’t want the  millions, billions, of other men and women to do it for them. Jesus once said; let he who is  without sin cast the first stone. He gestured to a baited crowd, armed with rocks, ready to  stone an adulterer to death. Stupid story.  

Jane gives me a hug, and passes me my package, I thank her, open the package  and place its contents in the inside pocket of my suit. Faithful Jane. She says she will miss  me. I tell her I have a plan. I don’t know if it will work. The trial is a mere formality. I have  one witness left, one man who can defend me. He will speak for me, for when all is said  and done, he and only he knows the truth.There’s a knock at the door. It’s time. 

I am guided slowly into the awaiting chamber. This is where I make my last  defence, the final formality of the long drawn out game of hangman. I pray, with its loosest  meaning, that my witness will be here. I am first in the chamber, the auditorium. I am taken  to my seat. It is a cheap plastic chair with metal legs. I prefer my bench. The chair is hidden by four wooden panels of highly polished dark oak. They are ornate in structure and reflect the rest of the building, all except for my cold plastic chair. This is the cell they made me. The wall behind me is adorned by the flag of the PEC, a blue background with red, blue, yellow, green and black stripes, they are at a subtle angle, and run from top to bottom down the middle of the flag. They represent all the colours of our coalition countries, just like the old Olympic Rings. I hate it, it’s ugly. Underneath are smaller versions of the flags belonging to each member state. The ceiling is a curved dome of glass where citizens, voyeurs, can watch the dismantling of democracy and due process. It’s closed today, the cameras will see everything though live TV. In front of me are rows of seats and desks, where each country’s representatives will sit. Independent witnesses and token journalists. There are 300 seats, each will be filled. One more row of seats, in between me and the madding crowd. I still have my package. The row of seats are for the judges. A jolly band of sinners, ready to cast their stones. I sit and close my eyes and remember the scent of rotting apples. My eyes are shut as the auditorium fills, slowly.  It is nine in the morning before the trial starts. Everyone is in place and I open my eyes. 

They hear my defence. There are jeers when I mention the good work I’ve done,  the peace wrought upon the world. I’m buying myself time. They tell me to sit and then I’m  questioned, again. What good it will do. I reach into the inside pocket and feel its cold  metal. I pull the hammer and feel a satisfying thud as the bullet is loaded into the chamber.  There is a pause as the trial is adjourned for lunch. This is potentially my last meal, I am  asked what I want. I ask for an apple. The auditorium fills and I have only eaten one bite. I  ask the jury for one last plea. They grant my request.

“I know. I know you don’t believe me. This trial is what you wanted though, friends.” I look  into the camera which hovers by my face. “I know this offers no solace to you today, but I  am sorry for the pain you think I caused.” I look towards the jury and stand up. “You  believe that I did this, you believe you found your smoking gun, and with the strike of  hammer on gavel you will waft away the fumes. You are guilty. You pulled the trigger, it is  your bullet and yours alone which was fired.” I sit down heavily and there is a screech as the chair slides back slightly. I look up to the crowd. “I am no murderer.” I pause, a breather, they think it is for dramatic effect, I reach into my pocket. My choice was justified. I put my hand on the grip and rest my finger on the trigger. No one can see the weapon as I hold it by my side. “Comrades…” There is a cry from a representative of Canada, he tells me I am a murderer, I have the blood of Millions on my hands. He is removed promptly. I  am sad he will miss the show. “…your sacrifice was not in vain.” Long pause, I picture  myself on the bench. The head judge asks me if I have anything left to say, he is disgruntled, he raises my hammer. I open my mouth as I stand but I’m stopped. The gavel falls from the judges hand. Front row seats. My witness is here. His bony hand rests on my right shoulder. I raise my left hand, and point the gun to my temple. The Ruger GP100, a relic. There is a scream. The cameras rush to focus on my friend. I know they see him. “My name is John Seeger and I have a rendezvous with death.” I pull the trigger. The crowd goes wild.

Categories
2024 – Winter

The Girl-Woman

Author: M.Z.

The silvery glass, framed in
what seems to be,
white, dotted plastic.
Reflected in it, a twin of his, creating,
showing, infinite times the same
room
            – or the same part of room
pink, girlish, a red bow
and again – a grey one
and dead flowers too
dead yellow mimosas
held together by a yellow,
old piece of yarn.
And a girl, or a woman
            – oh, it must be the owner
for her shirt matches, controls,
the pink
room behind her and the
dead mimosas.

But wait, you know that girl!
The shadow is familiar, though
her hair…
Her hair is different and her
eyes, there is a light within
them – a light that was
not there, when you knew her.
            Oh, she looks like she knows it,
she looks like she knows you!
The light in her eyes, that sparkles
in the blue irises,
it says that – she won’t listen
            – no, she won’t listen to you
nor to the other people
she knows, who do not know her
no more

No that can’t be right,
that girl
            – no, for she is not a girl
no more –
she is a woman
            – no, not quite
she is, in between
but firmly – yes, firmly! – convinced
she is fully grown.

That stubborn girl-woman (impossible
to know her height – why,
has it just changed?) with her
eyes, her blue eyes lit and
her hair, once black,
short, tidy, is now – wavy and messy.

She touches her hair, moves it away
from her face
            – but wait, you are doing the same!
So you were quite right! You are
that girl-woman.
And she looks proud – I mean – you do
and sure that
            Was ich weiß, kann jeder wissen.
            Mein Herz hab‘ ich allein
Or – do I?

Categories
2024 – Winter

Penelope

Author: Ags

Read whilst listening to —Futile Devices by Sufjan Stevens— if you want to

Dear De
Hello.
Hey,
Sorry for the delay.
I got your letter. I know it’s been three weeks. I’ve been meaning to write, but it seems I don’t have a pretty enough picture to send. Your presence is all over these pages. With the flower petals dried out and stuck to the side, and that decorative tape you always add in front. You even bother to circle the letters of my name. “To make them look 3D,” you say. And those Alfons Mucha cards from your favourite shop in town! I swear, I could almost know the vendor from how much you speak of him.
Well.
I, unfortunately, don’t have tape. Or flowers, in fact. I tried; I did. I stole some of these plumerias from the train station I was in last night. The petals dried up in my suitcase. And yes, I know you love it when I send you these cards from the countries I’m in. But seriously, airport postcards are just the most soulless things I’ve ever seen.
Anyways, this may sound like an excuse for the delay of my answer. It’s not. I promise.
I’ve been moving, as I’m sure you know. In fact, I haven’t really set foot on the ground since the last time I heard you say, “see you soon.”
It’s never really “soon” per se. We both know it though I am particularly skilled at denial. It’s more of a tradition, an embellishment to our goodbyes, like those little led lights you cover your room with despite the sun that peeks through your windows. It’s a promise—a way of saying that we’ll wait, that time is just a side character to our plot.
See, there’s something I understood recently about us about you. It struck me when you left my house last October. I remember I told you, “I’ll be homesick.”
The strange thing is, I wasn’t the one leaving home for once. Were I more articulate, I’d have formulated some poetic verse about how the absence of you shuts out colour or something like that.You know that part in “Tintern Abbey”? When Wordsworth writes:

And now, with gleams of half-extinguish’d thought,
With many recognitions dim and faint,
And somewhat of a sad perplexity,
The picture of the mind revives again


Yeah… that. The feeling a place changes when one looks at it again. Only for me, it’s not so much about time passing; it’s more about how different a place feels when you’re in it from when you’re gone. Like a picture that loses its tint, you know?
See, the images in my mind, they all include you. We don’t need to be talking; we don’t even need to face each other. But you’re there in the frame. And when you’re not, it’s like the little filmmaker in my mind decides to add the muted filter to everything I see.
I’m not saying I don’t like moments without you as well. It’s just not the same camera.
So, it gets complicated when I see you once every eternity. It seems my life doesn’t like me picturing things too long.
I’m sorry I move so much. Sorry I can’t stay in a place long enough to find my words with you. Sorry I fail to send you those airport postcards just because I feel jealous of your gorgeous letters. Sorry that, despite your constant efforts, I fail to breathe a bit with you.
Workaholic, anxious mess of a mind, I’ve subscribed to decades of guilt whenever I take the time to imagine myself settled. And you know my parents, of course. They like to stare at paths and remind me that change is the only way not to close any of these doors. You don’t turn down opportunity—not in my family. It’s like some god you can’t refuse.

This “need” to see the world, to flee from your comfort zone like it’s some fruit of Eden, it gets tiring. With it, ignoring an open door is like missing out on half the world. And then you come in, and I take a moment to sit with you, chat. One conversation, and it feels worth traveling the entire earth. One day together, and I’d miss out on seven planets for all I care.
I wish I could show them—my parents—how much I get from you. How much you bring me. It’s not that they don’t care; I just don’t think they see how traveling makes you need something else to grasp onto.
I hang onto things—letters, books, posters that wallpaper my room. But then again, I can’t be taking everything to each new place, can I? Clothes unworn for more than a year, comics read more than twice. Posters fall away along with the houses. Every move sheds something or someone.
Gods know the times I heard and said, “We’ll stay in contact.” Gods know how many people I’ve forgotten the names of.
Switching between stations and airports the way I switched schools through childhood, the way you switch clothes. Spending holidays on trains in the hopes of seeing a glimpse of you before I have to leave again. Running between houses that don’t feel like home. Countries just cannot seem to stick.
I work in two languages, aim for seven different futures. The possibility of an exchange, the opportunity of a job far away. I don’t keep diaries; descriptions and images I try to paint of my everyday sound blurry and unsure. And the memory compilations that my iPhone suggests every month just don’t do the trick to build a frame.
But there are exceptions to every rule, even those that structure your life. Every postcard needs a focus, and my camera seems to like your smile.
I thought places defined people. I travel, I change, I lose some and gain some. It’s a cluster of changes. I’ve moved four times since I’ve known you. And when I came back for a year, you went off to some successful school. Naturally, not the best way to secure a grounded relationship. It’s like a dance on a seesaw where we just can’t find our way down at the same time. And I just assumed it would pass, the feeling of missing you, like so many other times. But it didn’t. And I just kept working for the moments I got with you, as short as they were.
But this isn’t a sad story about how I can’t seem to be happy since we met. You’re a little more special than that. You crossed the borders with me—in phone calls, through letters. With the way you have of actually keeping track of what’s going on with me, miles away, making me feel like you’re in my story.
And me? I guess my brain won’t let go of your name so fast. People come and go, but places remain. It was on a post once: Artists like Jean Léon Gérôme paint a harem in the 19th century, and the public claps at how similar the halls look today.
I’m not here to debate how resistant the harem walls are to centuries. But as you left me last month, when I told you I’d be homesick, I understood how wrong that saying was. You remained—more than places, more even than some memories. You stay on my mind, by my side. You watch ruins fall apart at museums with me, read poems about how everything disappears one day. You call me through time zones and different languages.
And yes, places change just as much as people. Halls fall apart; they erode, they grow. But when I close my eyes and think of a place to settle, you’re the most stable part of it. And when you tell me you’ll be there when I come back from my courses, when I text you that I’m passing by, when we hop on a night bus to the edge of nowhere or open the door to another creaky Airbnb, it’s like coming home.