Image: © Christian Lue | Unsplash
Author: Andreia Abreu Remigio
Ever wondered what would happen if the authors we all study put down their quills and picked up Tinder? I tried to imagine what their profile bios would say, with a little twist on famous quotes. Tragic, romantic, maybe unhinged… Enjoy!
William S. Age 52
8 miles away
“To swipe left, or not to swipe left… that is the question”
- Bard by day, poet by night
- Looking for a young Juliet (iykyk)
- Fluent in iambic pentameter and the language of love ;)
Jane A. Age 40
12 miles away
“It isn’t what we say or think that defines us, but who we crush on”
- Sarcastic, witty, and independent
- If you ghost me, I shall turn you into a cautionary tale
- Darcy types only, no #Wickhams allowed
Virginia W. Age 59
4 miles away
“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to Tinder.”
- Swipe left if you’re not a feminist
- Stream of consciousness included, no extra charge
- Dating me would be a modernist slay
Byron the Lord Age 36
15 miles away
“A mistress never is nor can be a friend.”
- Poet. Rebel. Lover
- Swipe right and I’ll take you on a trip to Switzerland
- If you like your romances dramatic and your poetry passionate, let’s talk
Geoffrey C. Age 57
21 miles away
“Love is blind but I ain’t”
- Storyteller, poet, and OG road trip buddy
- Fluent in Middle English (but I’ll translate for you, babe)
- Let’s pilgrimage to the best pubs together
Mary S. Age 53
6 miles away
“Looking for someone to bring my love life back to life.”
- Into some weird kinks
- Dark academia is my only vibe
- If you’re emotionally unavailable, at least be interestingly tragic
Edgar P. Age 40
3 miles away
“Nevermore will I swipe left for true love.”
- Poet and ornithologist
- I’m broke but I’ll write you love letters
- Let’s make each other’s hearts beat a little too loud
Oscar W. Age 46
9 miles away
“To match is the rarest thing in the world. Most people swipe, that is all.”
- Witty and charming <3
- #Fashionista
- Looking for someone who appreciates the finer (and funnier) things in life
Emily D. Age 55
5 miles away
“The soul should always swipe right, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience”
- Looking for a long-distance relationship
- Might write you a love poem, might just ghost you (literally)
- Let’s overanalyze everything
And one last special profile… The man who assigned several texts published in this issue…
Douglas K. Age 70
0 miles away
“Love is a battlefield, and sometimes we get wounded in the process”
- Don’t even bother if you’re not going to write me 500 words everyday
- I occasionally cosplay as a 9-year-old autistic French girl. It’s not what you think
- My only ick is when people share my secrets