It claws at you

Image: © Anonymous.

Author: Anonymous

It claws at you. At the back of your mind. Always. You don’t notice it, not really. Not usually. You are so used to it, that its constant nagging only really becomes noticeable when it becomes unbearable.

The first time it becomes unbearable you are surprised. Its poison slowly taking over your mind but quickly, quickly, quickly paralysing you from the inside out is unexpected. You stare at your page for hours on end, its poison hand in hand with the fear of failure numbing your brain. 

You learn that it is not as you thought. You did not take a bite out of a poisoned apple, but you were drip-fed the poison over two decades of constant belittling. The constant 

‘you are not good enough’
‘you are not trying hard enough’
‘you are not intelligent enough’
‘you are not enough’.

And later, when you find out why,

‘it is in your head’
‘it is not real’

Sometimes behind your back and from your peers, but oftentimes to your face and from your superiors. Those supposed to nurture. They plant the seeds and watch their weeds invade. 

But you don’t often notice it, not really. You have grown used to it. Over the years. The constant nagging becomes unbearable when you find something you love. When this something you love should be something you hate. But against all odds, you love it. You care. 

You have hopes and you have dreams, but you know that fulfilling them is unlikely. 

But for now, you fight. And you hope.