{"id":654,"date":"2016-12-19T08:00:40","date_gmt":"2016-12-19T07:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/?p=654"},"modified":"2018-10-11T19:50:21","modified_gmt":"2018-10-11T17:50:21","slug":"corny-the-barbaric","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/2016\/12\/corny-the-barbaric\/","title":{"rendered":"Corny the Barbaric"},"content":{"rendered":"

Image:<\/strong>\u00a0Gallows, blue sky by Servicelinket. Source<\/a>\u00a0– CC License<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Author: <\/strong>Nicolas Cattaneo<\/p>\n

Our hero was contemplating the defaced cobble wall of his prison cell. He was no stranger to adversity, but Halas! His situation seemed hopeless. But he would not go gently into the night! He refused to let uncouth boors decide his fate. From the depths of his cell, he would rise again like a phoenix born out of the embers of desperation and-<\/p>\n

\u201cOy, get up!\u201d the door of our hero\u2019s cell was suddenly opened, revealing the burly face of his jailor.<\/p>\n

\u201cI demand you release me from this unlawful bondage forthwith!\u201d our valiant hero\u2019s demands were not heeded as the cruel jailor buried his repulsive mug in his massive hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust\u2026 keep quiet, would you?\u201d he said, before muttering under his foul breath, \u201cJesus all mighty\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The boor\u2019s lack of refinement was palpable\u00b8 but our hero complied, biding his time for when he would spring out of his cage, his just fury equalling the wrath of a thousand suns.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop droning back there! Told you to keep quiet!\u201d the savage barked.<\/p>\n

Dragged against his will outside the building, our fearless hero was faced with the terrible sight of a crowd riled against him. He raised his chin, looking down on the mob. They were obviously ready to tear him asunder, but as he walked through them, he feared no evil, for righteousness was his shield. A shield that had been battered by countless blows from all the foes he felled during his storied career. He knew he would triumph over this unwitting evil, for he was-<\/p>\n

\u201cNow then, perhaps you\u2019d like to explain all this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rudely interrupted in his thoughts by the leader of the rabble, our valiant protagonist, vanquisher of the evil of a hundred dark lords, pondered his next move. He knew his intellect to be far superior to that of this churl, but he was keenly aware he was in numerical inferiority. He knew he could overcome the populace, but he had made a vow not to harm the innocent, no matter how misguided.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, I\u2019m speaking to you! Stop staring at the ground and answer me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI shall forgive this obvious mistake if you release me at once! I understand lowly creatures such as yourselves cannot comprehend the importance of my work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of sick freak are you? You call beating a school teacher to death in front of her pupils work?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat witch was keeping the tots enslaved with her foul magic! I put an end to her misdeeds.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat about Estella? What did that poor cow ever do to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe high prophetess, thrice sanctified be her name, warned of a time of blood and despair. A time when neighbours will devour each other, when the Great Darkness will have spread so far and wide that it will have engulfed this world. I aim to fight until my last remaining breath to stop it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that pish got to do with the cow, you nitwit?\u201d the peasant growled, ever bestial in his ways. It would not have surprised our hero to find out the man was in league with the terrible barbarians of the frozen North.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat filthy horned beast carried the mark of the worshippers of the Darkness. It would have brought doom upon you all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a bloody cow,\u201d one of the peasants dared reply.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t do squat \u2018cept mooing,\u201d another said.<\/p>\n

\u201cMooing was a tad loud, though, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d a third added.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t skewer a cow cause it\u2019s mooing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about the preacher? He\u2019s still hanging from the oak tree\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe cow wasn\u2019t mooing that we\u2019s nothing but\u2026 err\u2026 what was it again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHeather. Preacher said we was Heather. Remember cause I told meself it was funny. No one by that name here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, so cow wasn\u2019t pissy about us being Heather.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, cow wasn\u2019t diddlin\u2019 them-\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cLads! I think we get the point here,\u201d the leader of the crowd dutifully reminded them. Nothing as tiresome as peasant babble. But as our hero was about to take advantage of the situation to abscond, the rabble turned their attention back to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if all this weren\u2019t enough,\u201d the leader continued, \u201cyou tried to have your way with the cobbler\u2019s daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was simply natural that our hero would need rewarding after having faced such gruelling evils. To this end, he turned his ever-loving gaze to the town\u2019s fairest maiden, who would only be too happy to reward him properly. He felt it was, after all, his right. Besides, who would refuse a gallant, handsome hero such as he? And yet, the boorish herd somehow took offence at our hero indulging himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is that wench? I would speak to her myself,\u201d our hero rightfully demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot here, you sack of manure. Now, do you have anything to say in your defence?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI answer to a higher calling. I shan\u2019t excuse myself for a wrong I haven\u2019t committed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. Ladies and gentlemen, let\u2019s fetch the rope. The preacher\u2019s yearning for company.\u201d<\/p>\n

?<\/p>\n

Hangman\u2019s ledger, entry forty-two:<\/em><\/p>\n

Inventory of the possessions of a \u201cSer Corny\u201d, real name unknown.
\n– One sword with some fancy scribbling on it. Smith stepped on it and broke it. Dismissed it as \u201csome brittle piece of shit\u201d.
\n– A picture of a man in black armour with \u201cdaddy\u201d written on it. I shouldn\u2019t judge kinks.
\n– A short wooden stick. Disturbing conclusions.
\n– A golden ring. Tied around the neck. What\u2019s wrong with using your finger?
\n– A vial of some substance. Village idiot drank it and is now surprisingly sane.
\n– A sack of golden apples. Who goes about carrying something like that?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Image:\u00a0Gallows, blue sky by Servicelinket. Source\u00a0– CC License Author: Nicolas Cattaneo Our hero was contemplating the defaced cobble wall of his prison cell. He was no stranger to adversity, but Halas! His situation seemed hopeless. But he would not go gently into the night! He refused to let uncouth boors decide his fate. From the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1001425,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[37],"class_list":{"0":"post-654","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-winter16","7":"tag-prose"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/654","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1001425"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=654"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/654\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.unil.ch\/musemagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}